Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,

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Different thought facet

I've been so angsty all weekend and today especially.

I have been here before and I know what it means.

I won't see my cozy home or understanding family/friends for months. I will be in a nation where I am isolated by lack of fluency. I will be alone, in a very real and stark way.

That's now in the back of my mind, very potently. It's not self-pity so much though. No, not pity at all.

Mainly, I am upset because of the fact that I do not know where I will be living, who with, and what classes I will be involved in and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. I am powerless and facing a big step.

It is frusterating beyond belief.

I went to Croatia with the expectation that I would be taking on a personal adventure and challenge which would make me grow mentally, spiritually and all of that. In the end, I found myself alone and clueless; without a goal, without a hope, and without a chance.

I guess I am not as naive now.

I am not looking for some life changing adventure or experience to make a film about. It's not the type of story that is intense like war - but it is intense because it puts one in a situation that is inescapable and where one must confront what they belive and how they live. And that is no fun at all. And it is not an adventure like the books describe. No evil enemy. No physical battles or injury. Just you- face to face with you alone, because there is no one else who can understand it.

And I am definately not looking forward to that.

Which is why movies and books are so much more fun than real life undertakings: they don't make you focus on your *own* faults and weaknesses.

So, instead of worrying about how I will work out my schedule, family, and adjustment - and instead of naively expecting it to be a fairy tale adventure - I hope to shift my thoughts to focus on it as a trial of personal and educational undertaking. I am stuck in it now anyway, so I might as well make the most out of it realistically and optimistically (while not loosing touch with the fantasy, because it is dreams that make life beautiful, somehow).

If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is this:

That one must always be thankful - and thankfulness comes from observation and appreciation of *everything*.
Each day has its own unique set of experiences, emotions, and meetings which can never be repeated. Treasure each one that is good so you can become full of joy. And learn and overcome each that is bad to grow strong.
And remember to be optimistic. A simple smile can truely warm the heart of a stranger.

It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words. If one picture, a frozen segment of time limited to only the sense of sight is worth as much, then what is it worth to experience the world ongoing with each new second and with all the senses?

I am only beginning to learn how to live.

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