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November 25th, 2002

Crash

Man it has been a while since I have been this down..I can't even sleep. I just feel myself falling to peices. Like everything is fine and then it all falls apart as if nothing was there to begin with.
I want someone to injure me. I can't explain why. It is this weird thing I have felt for years - both when I am depressed and no. Just force seppuku upon me, or shoot me with a Civil War rife in the heat of battle or blind me...I feel so abusive, but I am at the same time too weak to do anything to myself. Yes, I know if I gouge my eyes I wouldn't be able to draw and Reeves-san would be dissapointed cause he'd have to find a new manga-ka for his webcomic....I realize that but..it just makes me feel even more trapped. At least I am free here. I can write whatever I want and no one will pen me up in the insane assylumn - as long as my family and best friend back at home don't stumble upon this ^_^. I have to try to go to bed now, though I very much doubt I will be able to. I am just wasting time here, when I shoudl be fixing up my screwed up chem lab...yes it was all messed up and I had to redo almost all of it and now I am so confused I don't know what the crud to do..o my. Hopefully I will last tomorrow and Tuesday. Then I can catch my breath. Until then, I will be walking that thin line between sanity and depression. I think I will be ok..but a lot could happen between then and now (just look at this past weekend: going from the top of the world to this!!)....

*wince*

It is only nine o'clock, but I am outta energy. I got nothing done today that is helpful to my studies here outside of class. I put in my five hours at the library all afternoon after a morning full of classes, and all eveing I have sat here bored with a tummy ache.. -ouchy sore-
I drew some more pictures for my friends here in Paul and Patrick Halls. Other than all that, I am trying everything I can think of to settle the pain in my stomach - mints, green tea...bad chicken I am guessing...
I go home tomorrow though! Yay...I am excited to play PS2 all day with my brother, Matt. MGS2, RF2, and maybe even Halo, if the X-Box comes in early! ;) I am sad, too, though. College is the first time I have ever had so many friends. Many of them are here, but I spend the most time chatting with friends online with AIM (that includes people only two floors below me and a few yards/meters/quarter of a mile?? away, too)...I will miss everybody this week (and the interestig atmosphere of the dorm, ne?) I won't be online and I don't know what I will do without all-day all-night instant messaging!? I might not be able to update this either for a week or so. How sad..I am so attatched to my computer^_^. But I will be so busy eating, sleeping, and playing Playstation that I won't mind too much - sorry! ^^
My favorite part of Thanksgiving Dinner is the filling/stuffing. Yummy yum yum. :P
I am looking forward to 4 o'clock tomorrow..yay! I just hope I remember to unplug everything (or else we have to pay, literally!)!! fines are nasty little things I don't wanna have to deal with around the holidays.

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