December 7th, 2002

Jehoshabeath

More cruddiness...my moods can definately swing dance

Crud. If I were not here, the world would go right on spinning. It is not that which bothers me, but the results of me being here that does. If I were dead, I can understand that people would not feel anything from me, cause obviously I would not be there..but. When I AM here and people still feel nothing/gain nothing by me, then I feel lousey. It is not that I am being ignored. I had wonderful fun eating sushi last night. I just realize that had I not been present, the night would have gone on perfectly fine, and maybe even better. I contribute nothing to any situation - or so it seems. Maybe I do, but I don't feel like I do. Or let me put it this way: One of the best things in the world is sometimes just a simple conversation about something fun with a friend (whether it be Elvish or TB Doujin). I feel so ecstatic to spend quality time with friends - online and off. Not everytime is like that, but there are those special sometimes when everything feels right and good. I truely live for times like those. It is one of those good moments: like a getting mail from Japan, playing a new and awesome video game, or just a quiet moment in a little Amish-like cemetary. But, I don't feel I ever make people feel happy like that. I want to. It would mean so much if I could know when I have made others TREULY happy, but I don't think I ever do.
I just sit there. I agree with whatever and loose interest...If I try to fit in, I am lost and no one ever hears from me cause I have nothing significant to contribute to their conversations..I do not know much about normal things..I don't know what to say. Some call it shy. I call it being lost in the crowd. If I get fed up with trying to be harmonious, I get all angery and sit there trying not to pay attention. It doesn't really make any difference. Nothing I do makes any difference. If I seriously was contemplating suicide, though, I know I really couldn't because my family is too close. They would be very scar-ed. But, I don't do anything to cause that. I am just their daughter, and a sister. I don't have to try to earn their love. With friends and other people, the bonds don't seem as real or as obvious. Maybe I am just blind. But I don't feel I can ever do anything to make others happy, mad, or anything. I am only a clammed up person with no life. I don't know how to act. Acting is a waste of energy. I don't know what I am going to do for myself, either, however. I don't know what I will do after these next 3 and 1/2 yrs. I tell ya what I really want to do: manga. Will I? Probably not. Why? Cause I do not have faith in myself. I always beat myself - mentally - and terribly desire healing from others. That healing comes from simple little things. Thanks to all who have made my days soooo much brighter. When all I can do is worry and fear and sit quietly alone inside, you have shown me happiness by SIMPLY BEING KIND and interesting.
Don't be offended by anything I said - I am really very very grateful to everyone who has made life a little lighter because I suffer inside. And I suffer for no reason except that I greatly desire someone to understand me and so few do...I am very lonely. And the future I dream of seems so impossible that I have almost given up hope.
I am still trying to become the person I want to be, but I am having trouble because I do not yet know who I want to become. So a final thank you - and please do not think I try to be shy and uninterested. I just am that way...because I am so unsure about so much. I hope you can understand and forgive me for being so closed in life and so open and pessimistic on this computer of mine.
Jehoshabeath

*smiles*

I realize I can't stay depressed for too long. I love my family - I was on AIM and Matt sent me digital images of himself and his lovely braces. *shakes head, smiling* I told him to send me more of himself playing Red Faction II ^^. I love that game. They have to run errands first and I have to work.
On the topic of family...mom has been bringing up the question of what would happen if Dad went back to school and became a teacher or switched churches. She also has said she might do nursing..But seriously, I didn't know until a few weeks ago that ministers switched churches!! My Dad never has - except the name under which the chuch was called when we changed denominations. I donno. I said it would be too weird and take the rest of their lives to make new connections..too much work for me. But I think my Dad is burned out. He and Mom need a vacation - a long vacation!!
But Matt is just Matt - and I love him!! He and his video games, video game mags, and with all that he still does hw!! Imaging that!!