Log in

No account? Create an account

December 7th, 2002


Learn your Ninja Clan at the
Ninja Burger website.

Haruko Tsuchiya-san is my name and I am armed and dangerous -but probably only dangerous to myself!! ^^
(Yay for Metal Gear Solid and Rokusaburo Michiba-san who both made it to that quiz!)


Crud. If I were not here, the world would go right on spinning. It is not that which bothers me, but the results of me being here that does. If I were dead, I can understand that people would not feel anything from me, cause obviously I would not be there..but. When I AM here and people still feel nothing/gain nothing by me, then I feel lousey. It is not that I am being ignored. I had wonderful fun eating sushi last night. I just realize that had I not been present, the night would have gone on perfectly fine, and maybe even better. I contribute nothing to any situation - or so it seems. Maybe I do, but I don't feel like I do. Or let me put it this way: One of the best things in the world is sometimes just a simple conversation about something fun with a friend (whether it be Elvish or TB Doujin). I feel so ecstatic to spend quality time with friends - online and off. Not everytime is like that, but there are those special sometimes when everything feels right and good. I truely live for times like those. It is one of those good moments: like a getting mail from Japan, playing a new and awesome video game, or just a quiet moment in a little Amish-like cemetary. But, I don't feel I ever make people feel happy like that. I want to. It would mean so much if I could know when I have made others TREULY happy, but I don't think I ever do.
I just sit there. I agree with whatever and loose interest...If I try to fit in, I am lost and no one ever hears from me cause I have nothing significant to contribute to their conversations..I do not know much about normal things..I don't know what to say. Some call it shy. I call it being lost in the crowd. If I get fed up with trying to be harmonious, I get all angery and sit there trying not to pay attention. It doesn't really make any difference. Nothing I do makes any difference. If I seriously was contemplating suicide, though, I know I really couldn't because my family is too close. They would be very scar-ed. But, I don't do anything to cause that. I am just their daughter, and a sister. I don't have to try to earn their love. With friends and other people, the bonds don't seem as real or as obvious. Maybe I am just blind. But I don't feel I can ever do anything to make others happy, mad, or anything. I am only a clammed up person with no life. I don't know how to act. Acting is a waste of energy. I don't know what I am going to do for myself, either, however. I don't know what I will do after these next 3 and 1/2 yrs. I tell ya what I really want to do: manga. Will I? Probably not. Why? Cause I do not have faith in myself. I always beat myself - mentally - and terribly desire healing from others. That healing comes from simple little things. Thanks to all who have made my days soooo much brighter. When all I can do is worry and fear and sit quietly alone inside, you have shown me happiness by SIMPLY BEING KIND and interesting.
Don't be offended by anything I said - I am really very very grateful to everyone who has made life a little lighter because I suffer inside. And I suffer for no reason except that I greatly desire someone to understand me and so few do...I am very lonely. And the future I dream of seems so impossible that I have almost given up hope.
I am still trying to become the person I want to be, but I am having trouble because I do not yet know who I want to become. So a final thank you - and please do not think I try to be shy and uninterested. I just am that way...because I am so unsure about so much. I hope you can understand and forgive me for being so closed in life and so open and pessimistic on this computer of mine.


I realize I can't stay depressed for too long. I love my family - I was on AIM and Matt sent me digital images of himself and his lovely braces. *shakes head, smiling* I told him to send me more of himself playing Red Faction II ^^. I love that game. They have to run errands first and I have to work.
On the topic of family...mom has been bringing up the question of what would happen if Dad went back to school and became a teacher or switched churches. She also has said she might do nursing..But seriously, I didn't know until a few weeks ago that ministers switched churches!! My Dad never has - except the name under which the chuch was called when we changed denominations. I donno. I said it would be too weird and take the rest of their lives to make new connections..too much work for me. But I think my Dad is burned out. He and Mom need a vacation - a long vacation!!
But Matt is just Matt - and I love him!! He and his video games, video game mags, and with all that he still does hw!! Imaging that!!

Latest Month

September 2019


Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Taylor Savvy