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December 19th, 2002

Thursday

After a wonderful day yesterday, I am all hyper eating all my left-over candy canes and happily making ice-green-tea. I am getting some of my stuff together and studying my chemistry as well. It is just me in the room - Jacki my roomate left an hour or so ago. She is great, but I enjoy having the nice and quite room to myself!! Random music and no TNT reruns!! I should really get back to work.

Just in case: tomorrow I go home starting around 11 am, but we are stopping to visit my great grandmother, picking up a late X-mas gift for My brother, mom has an appointment at Hershey and then we are on the way home. I won't get back till...6? 7?

Who cares though. I am going home. Right now I am as content as is possible. I have my music, all this space and quiet in the dorm..my chem studies are for the most part enough (since I was thinking ahead and started last Monday). It is - nice -
The temperature is pleasant and I am happy. Right now I don't even care about Christmas presents. (what is wrong with me!?)
Before I fell asleep, I was tossing and turning for at least an hour or two...And I was thinking. I felt as though my guilt of "spoiling" the third movie for Dave was ruining my night. Well, it did sorta. And I pictured myself behind that glass wall, seperated from stories in books/movies, where I want to help but can't..where I want to say - I understand - but can't, where I want to give a sympatheticly caring look and know the character saw me. I did this with a lot of my obsessions because I feel seperated from them. The same way I feel in real life. Like I am powerless, restrained behind glass. No one is effected by me and more importantly no one sees my sincerety and thoughtfulness. It pains me. I saw myself injuring myself - as I often do, or injur my own drawn characters as a way to punish myself (for what, I was never sure). So there is Ceile or Iona or that little child inside me peirced with a sword through the guts (always there in any injury) banging on the glass and crying cause I can't do anything about anything. Then, I tell myself I have no right to let myself rot in guilt. I wondered what kind of person I should be if I felt no guilt? I though - Jesus is the example, and what was he like? He had nothing to feel guilty for. It is not guilt that I need, but the things than cause it to spawn: thoughtfulness, care, love, sympathy, sensitivity. These are good, but not if they destroy a person. I thought, what if that Ceile were to take out the sword and cut away the barriers. What would Megan be likewithout her self-assembled glass walls?? It scares me. What would I be like if I were free? What is it that binds me? If I could just be myself without letting guilt and ugliness and self-abuse ruin me? I wonder if therapy would help, but I don't think I shall ever have any. I am part crazy, though. It shows through when I spaz about irrelevant things, go from the hights of ecstasy to the depths of self-destructive depression, and when I have temporary losses of control and loose all faith in myself whatsoever. ~~ I don't know what I am supposed to do about all this, but guilt is my biggest problem. How does one temper one's self without it? I must learn, and soon too before I go over the edge after I am criticized and fail some things...
I wouldn't know how to interact with people if I crushed those walls, though. I wouldn't have the confidance..People have the potential to be so kind and so painful. I must feel safe behind those walls...But that is a place where one is insensative to the joys and heartaches of life - I feel both yes, but it must be from some twisted perspective, like old mutatedly warped glass. I have my obsession and I am content. I keep to myself, but in any case I am always alone because of self-imposed barriers to protect me from harm. I seem to have a system down, but will it drive me insane or simply rob away my life.
Why look for real love when I can have it and keep it all to myself in purity, untouched through obsession?

-am I no better than Smeagol and Frodo? Is it so wrong?

I am ready to go home

My finals are complete. My packing is almost finished.. I am all set to go home, but I am not ready for bed ^^ I hope someone comes on AIM to keep me company...I could draw, but I really just wanna see LOTR again and again ^^ I always do that when a good movie rolls around.
Hmm I am bored.
What should I do. Too lazy to do readings or think about the future..too selfish to work on the webcomic..and alone without a TV to watch X on!!!! I weep. My roomate took with her nearly everything from my room but the microfridge (aka dorm room sink since that is the closest thing here). No tv, no radio, no stereo, no PHONE! It is all her stuff but geez, I need to be able to get ahold of my parents when they arrive here to pick me up!! Blast..
So, here I am...wandering the internet...listening to music, watching Hellsing again and again, as that is the only anime stored on this computer right now...I have no depressing crud to explain, no thoughts on life, and no drive to be productive at all.
Maybe I will do something...I have to think first. *sinks into thoughtful coma and dreams not of stuff to be doing, but memories of The Two Towers* ahhhh

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