December 1st, 2003


appriciation and being lost


I must say, there are times when life truely feels wonderful - and it doesn't have to be a feeling of elation either. I understand what it feels like to be in love with something and be on a high or to be on a roller coaster and feel as if the adrenalin has made the day the best one of the whole summer. This is something else.

This is the joy for being alive that bleeds throughout consistently and without chemicals causing it to soar (be them artificial or natural). When you step outside into the cold air..feel the wind freezing your breath in the very night itself..and you know that you are alive and you just praise God for it. A simple, emotional realization that life is perfect just in the stillness with NOTHING but your own mind to feed you.

I tell you that this is nothing more that appriciation.

True, deep, and real[ized] appriciation for life. It is surprising how much we don't see when we go about our normal days... It took a long year of toil for me to see that for the first time, and with a simple song, it can be conjured up again. I once vowed that I would never take anything for grantid again; but I do, and I do it everyday. It's humanness I suppose. But I don't think it has to be that way.

In prayer, what more should we do but praise and be thankful for things but how can we be thankful if we have no sense of appriciation for the life around and within us. And that's where knowledge comes in handy.

It was and is to a degree my belief that quietness and solmeness wins out over boisterous livliness. I think it's because it is only in the quiet that I really can think and by thinking, reflect and by reflecting appriciate. The more we learn about any aspect of life, the more we see the scope of this world and the more we can learn to appriciate that. Isn't this the meaning of life? To appriciate it and feel it to it's full - not in wreakless waste and destruction but in thoughtful awe of it? Maybe that's what I thought as a child and maybe that's what I am being shown now. All I can say is, after studying art and literature and language, I can look at picture and see the beauty within it - I can watch a movie and find a moment and think to myself: I need a screenshot of this moment right here. In this moment, I see some sort of beauty or power. In order to see this, one must devote themselves to observing those things which are beautiful and study hard the things which are not vain.

Yes, I snuck of to watch the movie again...and I slunk back and now I am safe back under my headphones...but what I wouldn't give to be standing outside, in the wind, watching the clouds pass beside the moon...listening to music and reflecting on the thoughts which are trying to stir in my mind.If only I could spin my life around the pursuit of wisdom alone..the pursuit of beauty. Thats the only thing I know how to do or wish to do or can do. and when I first realized that thats was not an option..I couldn't stand the thought of such a life and wished for no life be given me at all. When it comes down to it, what chance do I have for any fair kind of occupation? it's rather bleak and I am running blindly into it with each night I set my alarm... I know my weaknesses but what can I do to face them - my real problems lie in the fact that I have not the faintest idea how to live a "worldly life"; my head is in the clouds and what skills do I have for life? I am just another Midshipman Hollum, or so it seems and I keep putting it off hoping that some day it may solve itself. I love the idealistic beauty, but how do I face the realistic realm of this world? How do I descend the Platonic ladder without crashing to my doom like the son of Andromache?

Even now I struggle each day - if only in the semi-subconscious realization that one day I will have to decide what to do with this life of mine It does a lot for me and allows me to appriciate the beauty of life but what does it do for others and how do I survive? I wobble back and forth in my struggle with Anteros and his brother - Megan the girl who does not have or want a boyfriend yet loves objects as my own self. Obsessions r not healthy, but the sensative attention to color, beauty, goodliness has caused such a deep welling of emotion that I have it in excess so I spend it on whatever I happen to latch onto. Rather I would give myself wholly to a thing I have control over than to sacrifice myself for a person and have a part of myself tainted by another person - as the short story "A Painful Case" mentions....horrible but I desire purity above all. Wisdom, purity and beauty (understanding and appriciation for). Give me a cold December night by myself with a tune in my head and a brain full of thoughts and my life is fullfilled, but don't remind me of the real side of life because it burns. Take the sword and run it through my side before I would face what everyone calls a normal life. and believe me, I often have that image in the back of my mind..for years...I have for so long been on the edge of drowning in my mental world - because dreaming in digital is better than nothing and is so much better thn real life. Of course, sinking into an imaginary realm does nothing - but, blast, it is beautiful.

So a simple little beetle has me all emotionally tangled. Blame it on the movie.

I think too much. and I am not depressed - I am merely stirred, so dont worry about me^^ I am this way ALL THE TIME :D

-maybe thats why ppl avoid me...

I dont want this night to end!! Must I study and think about all my responsibilities?! ;_;...I love dreaming in my mind and replaying those scenes of nautical makes me wanna be a bio major all over again and dissect things and study classification of organisms....

IS there anyone else in this world as weird as me?