December 17th, 2003


lotr and childhood images

When I was young, my father read me the entire LOTR trilogy as well as the Silmarillion. And I mean READ. He sat me down and I would eagerly curl up and listen to the story of Frodo. Ever since I was young - middle school time or before - I was raised on ideas of righteousness, honor, valour, struggle, adventure...and I loved it them as much as I love it now.

But sometimes I wonder how it has effected me.

When I reached late middle school and early high school I was so idealistic and self-sacrificial that I needed to find an escape from "normal" life and the future of "growing up" that I feared so immensly.

You can compare it to the example of Frodo. He WAS always my favorite. I only wanted to hear the story of the TT and ROTK to see what happened to Frodo. Not Sam, not Aragorn, nor Eowyn. Just Frodo. He was my first and only favorite character. He was the one who suffered and won freedom only to not share any part in it whatsoever. I always have lived through this lense whether it be for good or ill - the ideal that I am someone special because I have an appriciation for wisdom and purity and that those ideals would drive me away from all others so I could not partake in that life. All that remained was for me to find my ship to Valinor. Any escape from "normal" life - I couldn't live it. I was not a "normal" person. I could never fall in love, choose an occupation, have a family..I STILL do not see these dreams as feasible in my present state. I don't think I ever will be able to fall in love or raise a family. I wanted it that way and make it that way - even though the pain of contradicting the "natural order" troubles me.

I live life by sorting out things onto many planes of rationalization and I never settle my own situation into a realistic sphere. I just continue to think of myself in the same way I have since I was young and REFUSE to change it in order to grow up ... unfortunately that wont be able to last forever. Thats why I wanted to die in high school - better to die than sacrifice those principles by which I defined myself. And I cause myself enough pain all the time through my daydreamings. I torment myself with selfinflicted pains and I want it to be so. Yet I am sane, rational, and mature so ppl tell me. But I have destined myself to the Frodo-path because me imaginng myself with a man and a job makes me cringe and want to die. The IMAGE alone makes me ill. I WANT to be single, alone, unique, tormented, and wise all like mr Frodo. And I like it that way. And to change it - though it be for the better - I will keep my precious ways because I am as addicted to them as to a golden ring...leaving my ideals behind would be the death of me.and keeping them will also be the death of me as well.

the future terrifies me.
time terrifies me.
yet I was enthralled by it once...