August 17th, 2004


Different thought facet

I've been so angsty all weekend and today especially.

I have been here before and I know what it means.

I won't see my cozy home or understanding family/friends for months. I will be in a nation where I am isolated by lack of fluency. I will be alone, in a very real and stark way.

That's now in the back of my mind, very potently. It's not self-pity so much though. No, not pity at all.

Mainly, I am upset because of the fact that I do not know where I will be living, who with, and what classes I will be involved in and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. I am powerless and facing a big step.

It is frusterating beyond belief.

I went to Croatia with the expectation that I would be taking on a personal adventure and challenge which would make me grow mentally, spiritually and all of that. In the end, I found myself alone and clueless; without a goal, without a hope, and without a chance.

I guess I am not as naive now.

I am not looking for some life changing adventure or experience to make a film about. It's not the type of story that is intense like war - but it is intense because it puts one in a situation that is inescapable and where one must confront what they belive and how they live. And that is no fun at all. And it is not an adventure like the books describe. No evil enemy. No physical battles or injury. Just you- face to face with you alone, because there is no one else who can understand it.

And I am definately not looking forward to that.

Which is why movies and books are so much more fun than real life undertakings: they don't make you focus on your *own* faults and weaknesses.

So, instead of worrying about how I will work out my schedule, family, and adjustment - and instead of naively expecting it to be a fairy tale adventure - I hope to shift my thoughts to focus on it as a trial of personal and educational undertaking. I am stuck in it now anyway, so I might as well make the most out of it realistically and optimistically (while not loosing touch with the fantasy, because it is dreams that make life beautiful, somehow).

If there is one thing I have learned in life, it is this:

That one must always be thankful - and thankfulness comes from observation and appreciation of *everything*.
Each day has its own unique set of experiences, emotions, and meetings which can never be repeated. Treasure each one that is good so you can become full of joy. And learn and overcome each that is bad to grow strong.
And remember to be optimistic. A simple smile can truely warm the heart of a stranger.

It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words. If one picture, a frozen segment of time limited to only the sense of sight is worth as much, then what is it worth to experience the world ongoing with each new second and with all the senses?

I am only beginning to learn how to live.
  • Current Music
    St Germain CD II

New layout...

Well, I have a new layout about ready to unveil!

It's based on the new icon I made. The character is Eugene Roe from Band of Brothers. He's the medic and appears as one of the focal characters in Episode 6: Bastogne. I liked the series and this image was paticularly special.

This is the layout that'll be up for quite a while as I head off to Japan!
  • Current Mood
    okay okay


Sitting in a room of memories.
One can turn their head and see the first rock-set obtained on an elementary school feild trip. That moment is forgotten, but the stones still sit as they did, unchanging.
And there, behind, is the desktop shrine to the memory of Mr Frederick Fleet. Researched greatly, and equally prayed for and wept over. The necklace and daffodil grow dust.
Off to the side is a shelf which once stood as the lower half of a bunk bed. Books now line the edge. Manga next to Tolkein which is beside Dune and Aeschylus and Sophocles and guarded at the end by a book about Yoshida Shoin. On top of the books, there are suffed animals. Before the books are trinkets from Europe and Japan. Even the Enjolras red ribbon is there.
Beside the door to the chamber is a figurine of Link. It was a gift of a friend now lost to unforgiveness and time.
And hats there are also in the room. A Croatian baseball cap taken free from the tourism companies of that nation. A rainhat never used. Straw hats for springtime photos. The Southern Civil War kepi bought in Williamsburg.

I say goodbye for a while.
And when I return, I will have many new memories to add and old ones to give rebirth to.
  • Current Music
    Cream @ Amnesia