October 11th, 2006

still shot, Maria

Between worth and vanity

The question: How was your night?
My reply: Fine, I guess.

Fine, I guess?
Inside my mind, I was wavering between pleasurable contented-ness and weary busy-ness.
On the one hand, I spent the evening doing homework which was very tedious and involved lots of checking of online journals & databases (which requires log-in times and that sort of thing). It was kind of boring, but I managed to get into it for a while. It will be a useful skill, but not the kind out of which I want to make a career. I don't want to be an acquisitions librarian. I hate making decisions and don't like shopping.
Conversely, I had a lot of wonderful things happen to me today. Leaves were falling about me and when I passed the steaming pipes, the smoke blew away from me, instead of past me as they normally do. Tonight, I drank a bottle of green tea that I had been saving for two weeks. There's something special about drinking liquid from a glass bottle, especially tea. It was a refreshing treat. I also learned how to grow good corn today while exploring special collections. Finally, I made onigiri (rice balls) successfully for the first time tonight and they are now chilling in the refigerator until tomorrow. So, considering these things, it was a great day!
But I am tired. At least, that's what I am attributing it to. I am not really sure why I feel so detached and so drab. I wish I didn't. I wish I could feel energized and excited. I don't know why I am not... I have every reason to feel joyful and excited. I feel like there's something holding me back.
Perhaps my own unfortunate nature.
I do make it harder on myself by thrashing about in 3 feet deep water for my life. If I would stop and look around, I would see that I have wasted a lot of energy.

Don't mind me, I am just somewhere between ignorance and bliss.
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