My throat is better! :) Except, now my nose is all stuffy and my ears keep popping from uneven pressure in my head o_O This cold makes it very distracting to try to do work (or even listen to music or read, for that matter!). Still, I am poking at work and getting a feel for things this semester. The alarm went off in my building earlier, forcing my roommate and I to go to the Union building in search of food. I am slowly improving in Stepmania so I can now play the hard songs all on 0.7 speed. I will make it to 1.0 speed!! I also had a great Bible study this morning - finishing John 15. All in all it is a good day.
We go forward, we go back I see pieces of the puzzle. It's like the fragmented view of prescience, but it has occurred after the fact. I still cannot see the entire view because I am not finished yet. In the midst of the landscape, I have found stable ground. Now, the question is: will I run forward with this new thread of enlightenment or was this establishment meant to equip me to face the direction I was already headed? And where was I originally headed?
He who seeks to save his life will lose it Am I really willing to sacrifice if it is called of me? I am less and less sure of this as I let my mind consider possibilities. Maybe I should not consider possibilities or allow myself to imagine. It only leaves me feeling heart-ache. Even though I know in the end all sacrifice is gain. Justice will come.
No one can serve two masters I am torn. I try to hold back it back, but then the energy of the fracture spills out in posts like this! Rather than try to achieve perfect balance between the secular and the spiritual, I ought to rightly align my perspective. Proper and appropriate understanding of each is a blessing. My trouble is that I am too guilty to enjoy and too selfish to admit that I enjoy it! Oh, how we accuse ourselves all day long! Why do we side with the one who hates us?
Do not awaken love before... Children love their parents. Teenagers love their dates. Couples love their spouses. Parents love their children. The progression at each stage gives us the chance to love and to learn to love. I have been stuck in transition for a while. This is a tug-of-war that I wonder if I will ever see an end to. And does it even matter? I claim 1 Corinthians 7:32, but how can I claim it with a serious face. Of course I feel that I need to save myself from being left alone in this big world! My faith has a long way to grow, and meanwhile, I remain distracted. The old moss ring is sitting out on the counter. But that's a whole different story for another day.
The commands of the one whom you love are not burdensome To obey, I need first to hear the instructions. I need to learn how to listen. But I am tainted by a tendency for false-seeking and wounded by this loud voice called self. It yells and demands my attention all day long. I am too tired to know where to begin. So tired.
Yet it is all so easy. It's we who make it hard. The line is clear - we add the static.
Soon I won't have time to consider these things. That's why I am taking the time to express it now, while I sit at my cold desk, consuming all kinds of cold medication, golden oreo cookies, and fluids.
"Between the pull up to the shore And the push off" - Sarah Harmer