August 2nd, 2017

jehoshabeath (old Hebrew)

Without me

I had a thought this morning about the process of growing up. What made it so hard?

It felt as if my soul was stopped and told to wait, but the rest of me was pushed on ahead without it.

But, you can't leave without me!
Sorry, you're not allowed over there.

Disconnect, impossibility, sorrow, frustration. That's how it felt.

It wasn't so much a fear of the responsibilities - I could learn to tackle some of those with time. But it was a deeper fear, a scarier reality: that I wouldn't feel like "myself" again. Because I had to leave myself behind and forge on ahead somehow. And for what? My goals were to learn, uphold truth, honor God, be appreciative of my family, show respect to others, be artistic, etc. I didn't want any of the things that adulthood offered. For me, it felt like I was taken from my home and put up on a stage where I "had to" do what I was told with no hope of ever returning. You're a "woman" now. These are the assumptions and expectations that others have of you. You're a "professional" now. These are the demands laid upon you. But...I still feel like a "girl." Can't I be me anymore?