May 18th, 2020

navy trooper sketch


I'm realizing something about myself. I'm both sensitive and intense. Sensitive in the sense that the world's sounds, sights, and feelings impact me strongly. My internal equilibrium is disturbed easily by sensory inputs, perhaps because my nervous system is especially sensitive to any changes in my external environment.

At the same time, I'm intense in the sense that I approach the world in a forceful way. I want to explore, to understand, to experience. I dive into interests a l'outrance, travel to other countries to learn, and resonate with Drum and Bass music.

This confused me for a long time. I didn't understand how sensitive reception to the outward world could go hand-in-hand with this level of force reaching outward. It's something that I'm still growing to understand about myself.

Dream in Cream

Last night I had a dream where I was at a conference and asked to do things that belonged to someone else.

I was exasperated. They were expecting me to do things that weren't in my job description. It was an unfair expectation. I told the supervisor, "You think it was a waste of money for work to send me here, thinking I'm not doing anything or getting anything out of the conference. And you wish [other colleague] had come in my place, so she could do all of these projects." They admitted it was true.

The feeling I woke up with was a strong one - That I wasn't useful for anything or fit the need that she had and wished it had been someone else. That's not a good feeling to wake up to in the morning! But it was an interesting reflection on how I've felt out-of-place in terms of expectations sometimes. At work, when I'm called to do things that are outside of my natural skillset (such as project planning) or beyond the scope of my authority (fix things that I don't have access to), I get frustrated. I do want to do the job, but I can't, but I am called to do it. Why couldn't they just ask me to do something that I'm naturally good at? Then I'd really be able to excel and pour my energy and talent into it. The question is, what is that thing?

And also, wow, I have some emotional processing to do. Gotta feel through these feelings of frustration, guilt, confusion, anger, disappointment. Those aren't good feelings. But the good part about emotional work is that eventually the feelings do ease up. Of course there are always more to deal with, but it's the path of being a living human being :) Gotta face the emotions and stand in the face of them for a while. Why are they there? What are they trying to tell me? Bring these to God in prayer. And even if I don't even know what I'm feeling or why, to sit with myself and to know that in Christ, I live in the love of God. Not only does he bear with us, but He loves us. He wants to purify us wholly - mind, body, soul, emotions, strength.

"But Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.'" Matthew 19:14