Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,

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Three Doors to go through...

I am getting a little courageous. Along with this, a bit risky.
The thought of this new position is quite inspiring. It's supported by aspirations to travel into Washington, DC to explore. In addition, I have this emerging view, as if rising from a foggy tree-lined path, of what shape my education will take. I will focus on Information Architecture. Through the study I will learn to create and manage databases, design and implement computer interfaces and web sites, employ XML, and structure useless bits of data into priceless knowledge. I feel confident that from this education I will be trained for tangible work. That might be in a library, or a business, or a museum. I always wanted to learn something I can use, something I can tinker with and apply. Something I can call my "craft." Architecture of Information? Yeah, I guess you could call it that.
It is still ambiguous in my mind, but it is exciting.

Now comes the question - which of my lies was false and which is true?

I had a fear of work, I had a fear of domesticity. Well, let me explain.
I enjoy work, so long as it meets a one simple criteria. That is, that the task is something I have a great deal of experience and confidence doing. I don't mind repetition - in fact, it gives me a sense of satisfaction. Working as a mylar-er of books, a maker of labels, and a processor of CDs may have been classified as a lousy job, but I loved it. It was something I felt I had control over. Work that towers over me darkens my heart with its imposing shadow. The fact that my undergraduate degree directly prepared me for 'nothing-in-particular' only made matters worse. Not to say I learned nothing, but I did not learn skills that were immediately applicable to any situation. When I can learn a skill and act on that, I am pleased. I am a person who needs to do things with her hands. I like the form of things. So, I do not fear work, but because I saw no work that I could get my hands on, I was filled with terror.
I also enjoy domesticity. Give me a bag of potatoes, some hot dogs, broccoli, and cheese and I will amuse myself greatly with conjuring up some dinner. And a newly cleaned room is a special feeling. I don't know if feng shui has anything to do with it, but it does seem that the mind feels a bit quieter in the presence of a clean, open space. So, then, what is my problem with it? I can do these things well enough for myself, but I do not trust myself to please others. I do not know how to lead a household! What a grand responsibility... Isolating myself for so long was a bad idea. I encased myself in a fence too high to scale.

So, which will I choose? Like twisting magnets, the forces tug and push and can not settle. I am afraid to allow myself to become too accustomed to living this thrilling, lonely life. Also, I am afraid to take charge of that which others assume is natural. It doesn't feel natural to me. We shall see... Will this year empower me down one path or the other? May I turn not to the right or to the left! :)

Of course man's will is shaky. Of course it is aimless. That is why I cannot trust man's will.

The Zen masters say, if I trust my eyes, they will bop me on the eyes with a big stick. And if I trust my heart, they will whack me on the back. I cannot put my trust in these things.

They just needed to take the logic one step further.

Did I mention that I have been given help from an Information Studies honor society? The icon is adapted from their emblem. I am very grateful to them! How can I thank them?^^ Ahh, I have such deep loyalties to those who aid me. No wonder I found it gut-wrenching to tell my bosses about my change in jobs. Looks of shock and disappointment burned my heart to little pieces.

I am just not the type of person who is easily accustomed to this new theory of employment - of staying only for short periods of time at a certain place and then uprooting to shift direction. Granted, I haven't had much choice so far, but the guilt of even my experiences washes away at a slowly eroding shore. Maybe I am too old-fashioned.

So I go on, resketching schemas. Painting an image of where I stand and who I am. How do I define this? What implications does this hold? Here continues a refreshing struggle.
Tags: aspergers, confusion, decisions, fear, handiwork, info arch, maturity, mercury-saturn, path, saturn, single, work

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