Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,

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Dulce et Decorum est

ummmmm...a bunch of uncomfy stuff...
First, in English Comp we discussed some WWI Poetry to see how they went from naive and beauutiful to realistic and ugly. I took the same progression and spilled it all to my parents who are now probably again worried for my mental health.
I was that way in the past ever so slightly suicidal - not seriousy but it allowed me to be less connected with life. I didnt fear. I didn't fear even death. I did fear God. But I even went to Croatia (I was an idealist^^)
But I am all scared and unwar happy. I once wanted war n such
mom: God doesn't want us to live in despair
me: it wasnt despair. I wasnt sad about death. it was something beautiful to me then
i went from one extreme of being almost crazily obsessed with becoming a martyr to being a college student and being responsible for the safety of my life.. I didnt know what kind of person I wanted to be other than slightly suicidal and innocent but this cant be right or sokmething? I am not a good Christian like I was...even if I was wreakless about life.

--one holds less tightly to their life and fears so much less if you arent so desiring to survive--

That's it. Hm. Back to the Poetry, one was by Wilfred Owen about his reoccurring nightmares of a wounded man who was drowning and his eyes writhed in his sockets...that image seemed to push a certain uncomfy button inside me even after all the manga and I am just unsettled, especially knowing I am not being as good a Christian as I should. I thought about that in church last Sunday. It is depressing and dissapointing. I am the realist now and I don't like it. I can fear and love living I guess. It is odd for me to think about life in this way. I guess it is mentally healthy though ^_^

Well, I am gonna make icons, watch LOTR, listen to anime music, hug Frodo and eat a Cadbury egg with the yummy yolk!
Tags: childlike, depression, family, fear, injury, interests, purity, stuffed animals

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