First, in English Comp we discussed some WWI Poetry to see how they went from naive and beauutiful to realistic and ugly. I took the same progression and spilled it all to my parents who are now probably again worried for my mental health.
I was that way in the past ever so slightly suicidal - not seriousy but it allowed me to be less connected with life. I didnt fear. I didn't fear even death. I did fear God. But I even went to Croatia (I was an idealist^^)
But I am all scared and unwar happy. I once wanted war n such
mom: God doesn't want us to live in despair
me: it wasnt despair. I wasnt sad about death. it was something beautiful to me then
i went from one extreme of being almost crazily obsessed with becoming a martyr to being a college student and being responsible for the safety of my life.. I didnt know what kind of person I wanted to be other than slightly suicidal and innocent but this cant be right or sokmething? I am not a good Christian like I was...even if I was wreakless about life.
--one holds less tightly to their life and fears so much less if you arent so desiring to survive--
That's it. Hm. Back to the Poetry, one was by Wilfred Owen about his reoccurring nightmares of a wounded man who was drowning and his eyes writhed in his sockets...that image seemed to push a certain uncomfy button inside me even after all the manga and anime..so I am just unsettled, especially knowing I am not being as good a Christian as I should. I thought about that in church last Sunday. It is depressing and dissapointing. I am the realist now and I don't like it. I can fear and love living I guess. It is odd for me to think about life in this way. I guess it is mentally healthy though ^_^
Well, I am gonna make icons, watch LOTR, listen to anime music, hug Frodo and eat a Cadbury egg with the yummy yolk!