Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,
Megan
jehoshabeath

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thinking..

It's my own fault. I have no one to blame but myself.
People ask: Is it ok? And I say sure..Well, lately Megan has been much less enthusiastic when she mutters that. Sure, well, sometimes I don't even say anything. I am ticked. I am sick of letting people walk all over me, but I let them. I can think of times when I would stand up to others for my beliefs, but never have a reason to stand up for myself. If I wanted, I could just be like No! I don't wanna watch TV I wanna study! But I never do. I make myself miserable by torturing myself and putting myself down. Yes, I loved it once, and it is good to be humble, but when you are being disrespectful to yourself?
I say sure with this twinge of anger and mockery and sit in front of this computer screen with my headphones and textbook. Sure I get along with people but I do not like many of them - ok some of them - cause I loose myself for nothing and feel sick at the vanity of it. I stoop to let others do what they want and never to I ask them to do anything fun for me...unless I get paticulary stubborn and crud. My cynicism is starting to run high again - just like after I got back from Croatia. PEOPLE DO NOT SEE. And it frusterates the crud out of me. I know it is a fact, but sometimes it burns so badly..
I wish I had the guts to fight for myself. I can do it for Titanic-related ideals but not even for myself. I wanted to die for a cause when I was younger. I never wanted to stand up for myself. I still don't know how, but I feel the pain from the lack of self-respect. I would injure myself if I knew it wouldn't interfere with other things: my drawing and, well, my drawing - but never is the reason ME! I tell myself I can be selfish by this or that, but hardly ever am I cruel in a selfish way on purpose..I guess that is a good thing but it hurts when you get angery. It hurts when you wanna scream at someone something but you know you can't, and even if you could, they would not hear. PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND.
People will never understand. I do not understand. I went to Europe looking for understanding and esp. understanding love, but I came back cynical and starved of fullfillment/happiness. I am here and am facing the same problems as before. I just cannot allow myself to be myself. And all for good causes. I force myself to do homework, which is good, but I don't have any MEGAN time. I finish group projects myself to be sure they are done right even when I am dying inside of boredom. I make myself this unhappy for nice reasons, and that makes it harder. If it were over bad things, it would be logical. But life is always one step above and beyond logic (see Dune for a quote about how the universe is just beyond understanding and logic..)
Long entry I realize. I don't even know that anyone will read this. All I do seems in vain. Now I have even thrown away my chanes for work after college because I am majoring not in science but in Japanese. I may be lost and wandering forever unhappy without a job because I have no clue what I am doing. It is the one selfish choice I have ever made. Well, the biggest maybe. I keep telling myself that God will lead me, but I am such a bad Christian, too. I don't pray enough. I am not openly loving about others' situations and lives..I get bored easily...and a bunch of other things. I should be down on my knees now asking for forgiveness. But I am here, venting. Maybe God, at least will read this entry, and understand. For anyone else who stumbles here, I appologize for my attitude but it is one of the best feelings in the world to vent freely and not have to expect any reactions from it.
Tags: anger, depression, drawing, faith, glass wall, guilt, ineffective, injury, interests, journaling, passive, prayer, responsibility, social, work
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