Since my post a few days ago, I've continued to be troubled about my job and future situation. There's been a nagging voice in my head about two things, in particular. First, that I am not contributing anything because I am not leading any kind of activity at my church. Last year, I was a part of a campus ministry that was strong in Bible teaching. Here at home, though, I don't lead any Bible studies, and that fact is really troubling me. I feel like I am useless in my church and am wasting God's time by not contributing. Second, I've felt that I need to find or accept a job very soon or else I will have trouble finding a job anywhere. I wouldn't be bothered, except that my graduate school advisor has advised me on a number of opportunities recently. It brought to mind the whole worry about finding my next job.
I've been praying for direction in all of these matters and for understanding. Meanwhile, though, I've just found myself continually troubled and agitated. Then, tonight I read page 96 of the book Discerning the Voice of God: "We tend to seek God's direction or blessings more than we seek Him." And then page 98: "Are you in bondage because you can't take a step in any direction without being afraid that you'll wander from His will?"
Wow, I thought. That sounds just like me. I've been focusing so much on the problem and my need that I have neglected the wonderful Father who longs to guide and teach me. He will lead me in the right way. I thought that He would simply do so by giving the nod of approval for the right job and pointing me in the direction I should go. But I was wrong. No, He leads me by walking there together with me as my Good Shepherd. He wants me to draw near to His side so He can pave the way Himself.
The book continued on page 98: "If you keep seeking God, He will continue to develop your awareness of who He is and His will for you...Make knowing Him your goal. Seek a Person instead of a plan. Seek a relationship instead of a road map." I've been so encouraged to devote myself to a refreshing Bible study that will allow me to seek God through His word. I am very excited as I open the book of Deuteronomy and start reading, start exploring, start finding my Lord in a new and real way. The word of God is living and active and I am convinced that this is the answer I have been looking for.
Lord, have mercy on my slowness to understand. I repent that I was too focused on myself and my future and was not setting my sights on You. I pray that You will draw me closer to Yourself and incline my heart to You as I devote my mind to meditating on Your precious word. Teach me, Lord. Reveal Yourself to me and let me see You more clearly than ever before. Amen.