Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,
Megan
jehoshabeath

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If I had the nerve..

Yeah, if I was as wreakless and free and stuff as I was when I was younger..I KNEW life would turn out like this. I dont know how but I KNEW adulthood was miserable for me. I have said this before but I say it again - I dont wanna grow up: I dont like driving I dont have any future plans I dont wanna apply for random jobs and not get them I dont wanna marry I dont wanna have kids..BUT I am scared to death that I will end up living alone without a reasonable job in misery. I guess I shouldnt have even TRIED playing this game. But if I had the nerve I'd call this my suicide letter and just grrrr. I learned stuff like I wanted, I did all the experiences - I had obsessions and I had a first crush sorta thingy and I got my driver's liscence and I passed a a year of college with all A's. I did all the stuff I was supposed to so why cant that be all then, logically? Well, cause I am just a pain and I am so confused that I am gonna eventually drive myself crazy or get a life - whichever comes first but I have no hopes of the latter....No no, I am NOT gonna kill myself- I am just ticked at myself for even THINKING I could fall in love n stuff. Cause I CAN'T and I misewell fess up n stuff. All I am good for is obsessing about characters and making mini-shrines for them on a website or on my wall or in my head or in my writing or something. Nobody loves me (other than family) and I am too bent on not loving others cause of the whole "raising a family thing" but I went and almost fell in love anyway and now I am ticked at myself >_< dumb Megan. Megumi is pretty dumb. The logic makes my head ache. Well, um. Now wat? I am just kinda sitting my the side of the road watching the images behind my glass box fade and drawing incoherent symbols in the dirt with my finger, head in other hand lazily trying to keep calm (and sane). SIGH!! >_< *Megan beats self with the twig she was sketching with in the dirt* dumb dumb self giving up my hopes like I told myself I shouldnt for SOooo many reasons. Now I am mad. Well, no, I still dunno how to be mad..so-s I am sad n stuff _< ;_;
sigh
ok, ranting done. Now I am gonna go sit in a corner and cry and listen to rock music and keep my wussy mouth shut and try not to think about ANYTHING too much cause it burns..it burns
Tags: anger, aromantic, asexual, childlike, depression, fear, social
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