Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,

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Reflections on the search for idealism

From the last chapter of an old story, based on an incident that took place in Japan in 2005:

Cool air rushed over the sparkling crests of waves beneath a dull sky. The sun was breaking in the west, reaching from the very edge of the horizon to touch the tops of the waters. Overhead, sheets of grey clouds stretched quickly on the current of air. It was already the beginning of autumn in the country of Nar.

Adam put his hands in his pockets and exhaled. Here he was, finally. He had reached the place that he had longed for in warm classrooms deep in the capital of his homeland. He had finally achieved what his wandering thoughts had poured over. And now that he had reached the place, he felt a calm forlorn feeling. The depth and emptiness of the landscape beckoned him nowhere. Was it its magnificence or its lack that left him with this feeling - this shadowy feeling? He felt alone. While very much in place, very much apart.

He had asked to come alone. He had been worried about whether his guests would comply and thus ran over the pleading phrases in his mind again and again. He practiced them silently before the nighttime window that looked out upon that land. He reviewed them as they toured him through the city. To his surprise, they willingly let him go as he wished. The people of Nar knew the value, and the price, of solitude.

And so, he was here. It gave him a dull sense of satisfaction. It felt odd to be standing on the hard, frosted soil to simply observe. What was it that he was looking for and hoping to find? Or was it simply an offering of time and of mind in a memorial? A memorial to whom? The one who was gone? The sheer vanity of the moment threatened to overturn his joyful arrival.

Of course it was good. To respect is show wisdom, isn't it? To understand his teacher meant that he might understand his writings deeper, or at least be set apart from others in his devotion.

Yet, what if he were really enslaved to it? Or what if, after all this, he were to forget? Both of the doubts overcame him like a breeze, like a wave, and they took back with them his certainty. His sense of balance was ebbing away, pulled by a strong undertow.

He told himself, "Why can't one simply pause to think, to appreciate, and to observe anymore? Everyone is always in such a rush thinking they have something to prove." Perhaps there was nothing to prove in this daring and random experience. Wasn't it just acceptable to act out of simple love? And if no one saw it, didn't that add to its value? While he felt lost in his finding of place, his heart assured him that what he did was not without beauty.

After moments of turning over the feelings in his mind, he blinked and saw again the pale landscape. Where had it gone while he stood thinking? What had he been seeing? He turned to look, and his foot had not moved from the moss. In fact, as he moved, he felt the stiffness one feels upon standing. How thoughts can swallow one up like the grave. Grey stone and water and cloud so sure; but his thoughts had jumped about like the wings of some startled flock.

"Don't pollute this moment," he told his mind, shaking his head.

Hushing the doubts within, Adam sat down on the icy stone. He sighed and looked out quietly on the ocean, resting his hands on his lap. The clouds were still billowing, but the sun had already sunk out of sight. Its halo cast a yellow sheen on the horizon. Exhausted from his search and his journey, Adam lifted up his eyes to the sky and wondered.

Thus is the search for idealism - or at least how it was for me. It filled me with passion, abandoned me in doubt, and left me alone. When my soul reached out, it grasped onto emptiness. But there is a truth that is sure, kind, and worth living for. When we reach out to it, truth reaches back and takes us by the hand. This truth is not an imaginary idea, an idealistic vision, or a daydream - this truth is a Person. He wraps us in His love, clothes us in His righteousness, and shows us the reason that He made us. He wants to call you His friend, too, if you would only open the door to Him.

John 17:1-3
After Jesus said this, he looked toward heaven and prayed: "Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent."
Tags: art, aspergers, ceile, ezekiel, james, jeremiah, john, me, revelation, scene, sensitivity, shoin

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