Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,
Megan
jehoshabeath

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I feel content for the most part, by keeping busy and cheery, but in the back of my mind are thoughts of the future and Maias. Will I ever marry? Will I work a job that drains me? I realized that I only have three more weeks left of work and I am panicked. I am scared. After that, the whole world will start on the last tumble, with me lost in the wonderful tangle until it drops me off on the graduation platform, alone in the spotlight.
I never used to say that I was scared before.
I really don't know how to change myself, if it is even possible and if it would make any difference. But I worry in small ways. It hurts me when I see those close to me but can't think of a thing to say. There's guilt that continues for things that never happened.
And I get lost when I sit and think about it all.
I am going to take a step back and look for something true. I know where to find it, yet, I seem to keep missing it somehow. I avoid it on purpose and seek it intentionally, but all I manage are circles. Endless circles. But not when I am in the middle of a job. That's the joy of work. Fullfillment drives away anxiety. Thus, lazy summer days *are* a danger!^^
Anything of this world is bad in excess, including summer vacation.
Tags: path, serephes journal, work
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