Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,

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Motives, desires, what's in my heart: IT missions

Romans 12:3
"For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you."

I wanted to take some time to analyze my heart to see what motives are driving my desire to serve as an IT missionary.

Father, grant me clear eyes to see what is inside my heart. Convict me of the evil that hides within, wash me with the pure water of Your word, and fill me with Your Holy Spirit. Amen.

Love for the word
I love the word of God. I didn't always love it so. In fact, in 2007, I had a poor relationship with my Bible. It was dusty and lonely. Now, I have a whole bunch of Bibles because I just can't get enough of it. I've begun reading 1 Peter in the mornings, am working through John in two other studies, have been studying Genesis in 1-to-1 study, am slowly finishing my way through Ezekiel for the first time, reading Matthew in the Tyndale, and recently completed my highlighting study in Matthew in the study Bible. I have Bible verses up on the walls at work and need to brush up on my Psalms and Jonah memorizations. I started memorizing Mark again, but have only regained the ground that I held back in 2008 through the baptism and temptations of Christ in chapter 1.

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow..." Hebrews 4:12 "...having been born again...through the word of God which lives and abides forever" 1 Peter 1:23 How true this has been for me! In the word of God, there is found a fountain of living water that never runs dry (Jer 2:13, John 4)

At any rate, I still have many times throughout the days where I don't feel drawn to the word. I see the Bible sitting beside me on the couch and feel indifferent. Lord, fill my heart with zeal for your truth! This is a gift from You - continue to give it to me! I want to eat my fill of Your word and be more satisfied on it than on bread. I want to know the word more, remember it more, understand overarching themes, and have skill in communicating these truths to others. Ever since reading 1 Kings, I've desired that my heart be inclined to God - may He incline my heart to His words, His people, His Good News, and Himself.

I feel like this love pours overflowing sometimes. I want to talk only about my recent Bible studies or I want to only sit and read the Bible all evening. Now, I am called to other activities as well. Acts 2:42 says that, "They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer." I also need to devote myself to the fellowship (church), the breaking of bread (Lord's Supper), and to prayer. I've been slowly incorporating prayer more into my daily life as a natural and common aspect. May the Lord have mercy upon me to help me to continue to do so! Also, praise be to God, I have a faithful local church to attend each week as well as a weekly small group composed of other believers. These meetings are wonderful times of fellowship to worship God. I pray that the Lord would increase my heart for the fellowship, for the body of Christ, so I would have a balanced and holier life.

At the same time, it seems that the Lord has given me an especially large portion of zeal for his word. I really want to offer my life energy and dedication to the Scriptures. I've always been a sincere person, and when I fall in love, I can think of nothing else. May the Lord find this motive to be pure and refine it as is necessary.

Lack of love for work
My job this year has been a struggle, to say the least. But I praise God because He has drawn me closer to Himself through it all. I've come to see that He is the Head, the Captain of my Salvation. He is the One I should worship and obey above all others. Also, He's begun to show me just how dysfunctional things can be in this world so that I might increase in perseverance, humility, and trust. I can't always fix things. I won't always get 100% A+ in real life. Life is not about perfectly completed assignments - it's about wrestling in prayer for those around me in this spiritual war field and loving them above myself. It's about keeping this mirror polished by the word of God so I can reflect the light of the Sun of Righteousness.

So, by desiring to leave my job and take up missions, is this just an excuse to run away from a very difficult and emotionally painful work situation? Should I instead stay here and work out my faith with fear and trembling and much endurance? Am I seeking the easy road out of laziness? Am I loving myself and my own passions more than I love others? How can I discern these things? God knows the heart of a man - reveal my heart to me, Lord! And if there are lessons and growth that You have yet to work out in me, then I offer myself to You as a living sacrifice. Here I am.

One thing that I desire to gain from work over the upcoming days is this: deeper eagerness for Christ's return and the complete establishment of God's kingdom!

Psalm 25:5 - "Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long."

Guide me
Teach me
You are my Lord and my God, my Savior, as the twin confessed. (John 20:28)
May my hope be in You all day long at work, whatever that work may be!

Sanctify me
Use me
Lead me to eternal life.
Lord, may You receive all honor and glory and praise, because "with your blood you purchased men for God"
Tags: aspergers, bible, holiness, interests, path, self-examination, sin, work

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