Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,
Megan
jehoshabeath

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Last night...before dreams overtook me something else did

Before I fell asleep, I was tossing and turning for at least an hour or two...And I was thinking. I felt as though my guilt of "spoiling" the third movie for Dave was ruining my night. Well, it did sorta. And I pictured myself behind that glass wall, seperated from stories in books/movies, where I want to help but can't..where I want to say - I understand - but can't, where I want to give a sympatheticly caring look and know the character saw me. I did this with a lot of my obsessions because I feel seperated from them. The same way I feel in real life. Like I am powerless, restrained behind glass. No one is effected by me and more importantly no one sees my sincerety and thoughtfulness. It pains me. I saw myself injuring myself - as I often do, or injur my own drawn characters as a way to punish myself (for what, I was never sure). So there is Ceile or Iona or that little child inside me peirced with a sword through the guts (always there in any injury) banging on the glass and crying cause I can't do anything about anything. Then, I tell myself I have no right to let myself rot in guilt. I wondered what kind of person I should be if I felt no guilt? I though - Jesus is the example, and what was he like? He had nothing to feel guilty for. It is not guilt that I need, but the things than cause it to spawn: thoughtfulness, care, love, sympathy, sensitivity. These are good, but not if they destroy a person. I thought, what if that Ceile were to take out the sword and cut away the barriers. What would Megan be likewithout her self-assembled glass walls?? It scares me. What would I be like if I were free? What is it that binds me? If I could just be myself without letting guilt and ugliness and self-abuse ruin me? I wonder if therapy would help, but I don't think I shall ever have any. I am part crazy, though. It shows through when I spaz about irrelevant things, go from the hights of ecstasy to the depths of self-destructive depression, and when I have temporary losses of control and loose all faith in myself whatsoever. ~~ I don't know what I am supposed to do about all this, but guilt is my biggest problem. How does one temper one's self without it? I must learn, and soon too before I go over the edge after I am criticized and fail some things...
I wouldn't know how to interact with people if I crushed those walls, though. I wouldn't have the confidance..People have the potential to be so kind and so painful. I must feel safe behind those walls...But that is a place where one is insensative to the joys and heartaches of life - I feel both yes, but it must be from some twisted perspective, like old mutatedly warped glass. I have my obsession and I am content. I keep to myself, but in any case I am always alone because of self-imposed barriers to protect me from harm. I seem to have a system down, but will it drive me insane or simply rob away my life.
Why look for real love when I can have it and keep it all to myself in purity, untouched through obsession?

-am I no better than Smeagol and Frodo? Is it so wrong?
Tags: aspergers, depression, glass wall, guilt, injury, love
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