Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Last night...before dreams overtook me something else did

Before I fell asleep, I was tossing and turning for at least an hour or two...And I was thinking. I felt as though my guilt of "spoiling" the third movie for Dave was ruining my night. Well, it did sorta. And I pictured myself behind that glass wall, seperated from stories in books/movies, where I want to help but can't..where I want to say - I understand - but can't, where I want to give a sympatheticly caring look and know the character saw me. I did this with a lot of my obsessions because I feel seperated from them. The same way I feel in real life. Like I am powerless, restrained behind glass. No one is effected by me and more importantly no one sees my sincerety and thoughtfulness. It pains me. I saw myself injuring myself - as I often do, or injur my own drawn characters as a way to punish myself (for what, I was never sure). So there is Ceile or Iona or that little child inside me peirced with a sword through the guts (always there in any injury) banging on the glass and crying cause I can't do anything about anything. Then, I tell myself I have no right to let myself rot in guilt. I wondered what kind of person I should be if I felt no guilt? I though - Jesus is the example, and what was he like? He had nothing to feel guilty for. It is not guilt that I need, but the things than cause it to spawn: thoughtfulness, care, love, sympathy, sensitivity. These are good, but not if they destroy a person. I thought, what if that Ceile were to take out the sword and cut away the barriers. What would Megan be likewithout her self-assembled glass walls?? It scares me. What would I be like if I were free? What is it that binds me? If I could just be myself without letting guilt and ugliness and self-abuse ruin me? I wonder if therapy would help, but I don't think I shall ever have any. I am part crazy, though. It shows through when I spaz about irrelevant things, go from the hights of ecstasy to the depths of self-destructive depression, and when I have temporary losses of control and loose all faith in myself whatsoever. ~~ I don't know what I am supposed to do about all this, but guilt is my biggest problem. How does one temper one's self without it? I must learn, and soon too before I go over the edge after I am criticized and fail some things...
I wouldn't know how to interact with people if I crushed those walls, though. I wouldn't have the confidance..People have the potential to be so kind and so painful. I must feel safe behind those walls...But that is a place where one is insensative to the joys and heartaches of life - I feel both yes, but it must be from some twisted perspective, like old mutatedly warped glass. I have my obsession and I am content. I keep to myself, but in any case I am always alone because of self-imposed barriers to protect me from harm. I seem to have a system down, but will it drive me insane or simply rob away my life.
Why look for real love when I can have it and keep it all to myself in purity, untouched through obsession?

-am I no better than Smeagol and Frodo? Is it so wrong?
Tags: aspergers, depression, glass wall, guilt, injury, love

  • Delight

    One of the things I've been wrestling with this year is harshness toward myself. I struggle to accept God's love for me. I feel like I will only ever…

  • It is Finished

    "When Jesus had received the wine, he said, 'It is finished.' Then he bowed his head and gave up his spirit." John 19:30 "Posterity will serve him;…

  • Under the Shadow of His Wings

    "Jerusalem, often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings..." Matthew 23:37 What…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.