Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,

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Hiwatari-kun withdraw


I sometimes forget why I used to see myself as trapped within glass walls. I used to often feel like I within something and yet not a part of it - as if I were seeing it but unheard behind glass. It was depressing and submissive and above all: frusterating. Sometimes I get pangs of that again and I know it is my own fault but I can't help but be the person I am and when that doesn't fit in with society I get labelled weak or lame. It is a simple culture-al disagreeance where I am not conforming to the way this culture demands me to act. And because of that I feel isolated and unreal. I feel like a character living in a seperate dimension. And I have always had it that way and have grown to like it that way. But it sometimes frusterates me and makes me angery at myself. That's why I have such issues coping with things which must be done in this real world: working, choosing a career path, dating - it all is beyond the culture and realm I live in and I just cannot reach past the glass. It is a releif in a way because I have no idea how to do those things - I just flow with the current and make decisions when I must...but sometimes I see the world around me and it makes me feel at a loss.
Because anime bishounen can't love me back.

And then I get upset over stupid problems I can't overcome and minor trivial things...when I realize how little I have ever lost and come to grips with how much I could lose at any moment and I am reminded of the mortality of is terrifying...even when I am standing in a room where everyone is playing games and having a good time - I am struck with the thought of how temporary it all is. One day I will be talking about how perfect it was "at that one moment"...and it scares me to death. Because I have no idea what this world is and I refuse to give it up before I have some inkling of what it is [I am missing]. But, at the same time, that would mean me having to break free of my "culture" and without my culture I am no longer me.

I have always fought time. I will always. Always. I refuse to give up my innocent learning years because that is all I am good for. I am a creature of observance, learning, appriciation, and respect with an insatiable hunger which I mold into passing character obsessions. Which is lovely, but lonely. That's all I ever seem to be.
Tags: anger, appreciation, artifacts, aspergers, childlike, demigirl, depression, fear, glass wall, intuition, life, love, manga, me, neptune, observer, passive, salamander, sanctification, single, social, submission

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