Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,
Megan
jehoshabeath

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Connection



Hiwatari-kun withdraw



IneedtoseemoreepisodewithmyHiwatarikunoffmakingwarwithwings!


Anyways.
I sometimes forget why I used to see myself as trapped within glass walls. I used to often feel like I within something and yet not a part of it - as if I were seeing it but unheard behind glass. It was depressing and submissive and above all: frusterating. Sometimes I get pangs of that again and I know it is my own fault but I can't help but be the person I am and when that doesn't fit in with society I get labelled weak or lame. It is a simple culture-al disagreeance where I am not conforming to the way this culture demands me to act. And because of that I feel isolated and unreal. I feel like a character living in a seperate dimension. And I have always had it that way and have grown to like it that way. But it sometimes frusterates me and makes me angery at myself. That's why I have such issues coping with things which must be done in this real world: working, choosing a career path, dating - it all is beyond the culture and realm I live in and I just cannot reach past the glass. It is a releif in a way because I have no idea how to do those things - I just flow with the current and make decisions when I must...but sometimes I see the world around me and it makes me feel at a loss.
Because anime bishounen can't love me back.

And then I get upset over stupid problems I can't overcome and minor trivial things...when I realize how little I have ever lost and come to grips with how much I could lose at any moment and I am reminded of the mortality of things...it is terrifying...even when I am standing in a room where everyone is playing games and having a good time - I am struck with the thought of how temporary it all is. One day I will be talking about how perfect it was "at that one moment"...and it scares me to death. Because I have no idea what this world is and I refuse to give it up before I have some inkling of what it is [I am missing]. But, at the same time, that would mean me having to break free of my "culture" and without my culture I am no longer me.

I have always fought time. I will always. Always. I refuse to give up my innocent learning years because that is all I am good for. I am a creature of observance, learning, appriciation, and respect with an insatiable hunger which I mold into passing character obsessions. Which is lovely, but lonely. That's all I ever seem to be.
Tags: anger, appreciation, asexual, aspergers, childlike, demigirl, depression, fear, glass wall, intuition, life, love, manga, me, observer, passive, sanctification, social
Subscribe
  • Post a new comment

    Error

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 2 comments