Again and again the thought rattles my heart: "I'm wasting time!"
Again and again the thought charges against me: "I'm wasting time!"
Again and again I sink into the rusty frustration: "I'm wasting time!"
I feel very much stuck - poised on the edge of the Red Sea with the whole army of Egypt closing in. Back in May 10, 2007, I wrote, "I think I have been given the heart to shape the image of the mind"; but I feel that I'm squandering this gift. I feel that I have no way to put it to use anymore. But there must be some way! Yet I take up the pen...and feel that it would draw hearts astray. I take up the marker...and feel that I have nothing to draw. I take up the code...and after hours of racing I feel like I have not even taken a step.
Sometimes I look back and wonder. Have I abandoned all art? I - who lived in images and words - have I totally lost touch with them? How might I redeem them? How might I glorify the Creator in appreciation of His art? How might I live in mono no aware again, sanctifying every moment? How might I convey scenes of thought-feeling, capturing them in symbolism and presenting them in simplicity? How was it that I lived in appreciation before I knew the Lord? It's because art had become my lord. But even my love for art must bow to the Lord of lords.
Yet, where did it go? Did it leave forever? Where did my art go?
A friend once told me, "do not fault yourself for your love of art. certainly do not put it before YHWH himself, but remember: you were made in HIS image. YHWH is the creator of all things. HE is the ultimate artist, and HE made you in His likeness. your desire to create and love of art is a reflection of HIM in you. May YHWH bless you and keep you! shalom!"
I don't know whether it's fear that keeps me from art or whether it's something else... But whatever it is, it's as though part of me has fallen silent and still since 2004. Should I seek to awaken it? If I did, what would I awaken? Or am I merely fleeing away from the world back into half-waking dreams where I am the master?
I will sit and consider it for a moment while the stars keep on spinning around the horizon.
"got up early, found something’s missing / ... / no one else sees, but I got stuck / and soon forever came / ... I forgot that I might see / so many beautiful things / I forgot that I might need / to find out what life could bring / beautiful things" Beautiful Things by Andain