Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,
Megan
jehoshabeath

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White flower in a bottle

When I was young, I remember taking a small white flower and putting it inside a tiny glass bottle. I corked it and hid it on my bookshelf.  In my mind, I wanted to preserve it - to keep it in a vacuum where it would be safe and last forever.  Time went by and I must have forgotten all about it.  Later, I discovered it - but to my horror, it had rotted inside the bottle.  I was deeply disturbed and couldn't bear to look at it.  It was much more than the mold that offended me.

I saw that glass bottle as a picture of the walls I built up around myself. For years, I remember visualizing myself as contained within glass walls - safe within myself.  In 2004, I wrote that "I have such issues coping with things which must be done in this real world: working, choosing a career path, dating - it all is beyond the culture and realm I live in and I just cannot reach past the glass.  ... I have always fought time. I will always. Always. I refuse to give up my innocent learning years because that is all I am good for. I am a creature of observance, learning, appriciation [sic], and respect with an insatiable hunger which I mold into passing character obsessions. Which is lovely, but lonely."

I vividly remember a daydream I had back in 2004 where I tore down the glass walls in my mind and stepped out.  Out...into what?  It felt freeing and yet totally blank. That was the same year that my classmate introduced me to a strange little comic called Suki telling me emphatically, "You remind me so much of Hina-chan!!"

Hmmm, really?

I don't want to bottle up the baby's breath anymore.  I do want to know what it is, exactly, that I had tried to hide.
Tags: aspergers, beauty, control, creation, daydreams, fear, glass wall, manga, me, scene
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