Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,
Megan
jehoshabeath

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What do I hope to find?

Forming characters, imagining scenes, standing under the stars, breathing deep the foggy NY harbor air under the watchful eye of Lady Liberty, racing under trees along Confederate Avenue where Pettigrew and Armistead had prepared for the charge, stepping onto the site where Yoshida Shoin sensei was buried, watching the same movies over and over and screencapping every moment where certain characters appear, receiving permission from Senatorial staff to enter the conference room where Frederick Fleet gave his testimony on the sinking of the Titanic, standing on tipee-toes to see past the heads and shoulders of the crowd who had gathered for the bugaku performance at the Heian Palace in Kyoto, hesitating to walk on past the animatronic droid at the Star Tours ride in Florida, ...

Each word, each glimmer of the eye, each clue and each discovery felt beautiful and sacred to me. I sought for all the information revolving around them as well as relevant tangible things, physical locations, and experiences. I would follow them just about anywhere. I learned to keep these things to myself, though, where no one could say anything hurtful toward them. For their reactions toward my obsessions were taken as their attitude toward me. If they loved it, they loved me; if they spoke lightly of it, they thought very little of me. I opened up only to my family and a few friends whom I deeply trusted. To share these things with them was like baring my own soul, handing it to them. Thankfully, they handled those things with much kindness and thoughtfulness.

The sound of hichiriki, the cool haze of rain, the ground underneath my feet. I was here. But "here" never seemed to stay the same. With merely a mention of just the right thing, my mind was off again. Take, for example, this year. I read The Truce at Bakura again after returning from Christmas break. As I finished the last chapter, I read over a brief scene with Commander Thanas and thought, "Hmm, he's a rather interesting character. It's nice to see an Imperial Officer with likable characteristics, even if he did kill my favorite character in the book (gah!)." This thought led to a vague memory of some of the Imperial Officers in the original trilogy. I tried to recall their names... Who was that one that got promoted...Vader mentioned him by name. This led to a Wookieepedia search of various officers from the film, which led to discovering some deleted scenes from ROTJ, which led to me needing to buy the movies, which led to reading up on all the officer's histories and stories, which led me to want to buy a hat like theirs, and so on.

For me, an interest immediately becomes a single-minded quest for all relevant information and stuff. I'm wired with this kind of detail-oriented hyper-focus and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. How do I know if an interest has become an idol? There is only room for one God in my one heart, so how to I make sense of these soul-encompassing interests? I've been thinking about that lately. There have been times in the past where those thoughts have come to mind, but I've been reluctant to consider my life without them. I felt myself unwilling to release my tight grip on them. I don't feel that way right now. I'm trying to remember to hold all things in an open hand. But I've still been spending a lot of time with my interests recently.

What am I looking for?

I day dream scenes where I can rest, where the very center of me resonates with the energy of a star or a black hole, where I don't need to worry about hurting others, where others reflect a special kind of understanding and kindness toward me (though often from a safe distance), where I can put my skills to use in fun and curious ways, where I'm under the watchful eye of some compassionate superior, where I can just be and be appreciated. I am looking for home. I am looking for the eternal house of my Father. I am looking for Him. I know that I'll be home someday, but why is it that my quest now takes on the form of seemingly random interests? I get caught up so quickly that I find myself dazed and confused. It becomes even more confusing when these interests pursue Biblical topics and histories. I think to myself, "This is the Bible - it's great that I'm so into this! Yes, but what good do timelines and memorized verses do for those around me? Uh, well, surely God can use them for good. Yes, but are you loving those facts more than the people? Has the healing bronze serpent on a pole become a destructive idolatrous nehushtan? But these are where I can actually apply my skills... I've tried other activities and service. What am I supposed to do?" And so I remain rather confused.

If I can become charged with so much energetic loyalty toward dead historical figures and imaginary characters, how can I shift that to love my neighbors as myself? And how can I live my life in the antechamber, preparing for eternity where I will meet my Maker, the One who gave His life to rescue me?
Tags: art, aspergers, books, daydreams, empath, god, grounding, harmonize, honor, hope, injury, interests, internal dialogue, life, love, me, movies, observer, questions
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