Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,

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at rest and in motion

My natural posture is that of listening. I enjoy observing simply in order to observe. I find it difficult to formulate a response. In college, I loved attending lectures but dreaded class discussions. At work, I'm happy when I'm left to my spreadsheets, but uncomfortable in meetings. In matters of faith, I am altogether content observing a quiet shabbat with the Scriptures before me, but I feel like I'm suffocating in the halls after church. In Bible study, I will read and meditate on a passage for hours, but I'm troubled when I must move on to the stage of application.

My friends tell me that I appear to function quite normally in conversation and relationships. Perhaps I do. But why are my dreams filled with voiceless communication, with temples drained of strength, with total resignation, which rocking and white noise? In the midst of evening service, I sometimes feel like my insides are made of lead, heavy and full, overwhelmed. In the midst of loud, crowded work functions, I feel like my insides are sparking, warning signs that I'm on the verge of emotional tipping, overwhelmed. Speaking in groups, praying in groups, and keeping up with conversation requires conscious effort and concentration. I may be able to pray very fluently in my Bible study, but when I get home, I really don't feel like praying. It's not that I can't. It's just that once I'm free to rest, I don't feel like talking anymore. But don't I want to talk to my Father? Hmm, I'm still struggling with prayer, but it's becoming more of an ongoing "open channel" with Him and less of a composition/writing type activity, which is how it often feels when I'm praying in groups.

Talking about interesting things is a little different than normal conversation. That's more a relaying of facts - a copy/transcription activity that comes quite naturally. Also, keeping a journal like this is pleasant because it's a way for me to process through all the strong feelings and thoughts that I've carried throughout the day.

Talking to my family is a big comfort, too. They don't mind if I talk about random things or if I just want to sit with them quietly while cookies bake in the oven. They love me with much enthusiasm for who I am. What a blessing! I'm so thankful for them :) They show me that God doesn't love me reluctantly but that He loves me with much enthusiasm, too. When the Beloved in Song of Solomon said to his bride, "You who dwell in the gardens, the companions listen for your voice - let me hear it!" (SoS 8:13) I wonder if God delights so much to hear me? Well, Lord, you'll have to bear with me while I find my voice :) But I know that You hear even the silent prayers, bottling up my tears (Psalm 56:8), and sending Your Spirit to live in me and speak on my behalf (Romans 8:26-27). He is very kind :)
Tags: art, aspergers, daily, family, grace, info arch, interests, interpersonal, journaling, love, mercury-saturn, observer, overwhelm, prayer, psalms, romans, saturn, social, song of solomon, tradition of faith, voice

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