In church, we spent time meditating on Psalm 71 and worshiping God for His great kindness. It was a sweet time.
After church, I felt rushed to eat, get the laundry in, and edit documents for a friend. Meanwhile, the house held a lunch gathering and birthday party. I went down to move my laundry to the dryer after it had been in there an hour, but it was still spinning. I figured I'd just wait until it finished. I needed to get it out of the way because other roommates needed to use the laundry machine. I sat on the basement steps over half an hour waiting for it to finish. When it finally did, the laundry was sopping wet! I had to run it through two additional spin cycles before I just dumped it all over into the dryer (which is not what I typically do). But after two hours fighting with the washing machine and lots of noise upstairs, I just couldn't handle it anymore. Inside my head, I felt myself screaming. Outside, I couldn't even sit up straight anymore because I felt so drained.
I hurried upstairs, edited the documents, ran back downstairs to retrieve the laundry, hung it up to finish drying, and then collapsed on my bed feeling very bad. I laid there for a while and eventually fell asleep.
After I got up, I felt really weak and made my way to the cornerstore for some gatorade and potato chips. That's about all my stomach could take. I sat and read a book until our house meeting at 7pm. I totally forgot about the inductive lesson I was supposed to have prepared! Uggggg.... When I don't feel well, I have a tendency to just "drop" everything and focus on feeling better. The responsibilities just have to fall away and disappear for a while until I feel well enough to pick them up again.
Anyway, after the house meeting, a roommate was busying herself in the kitchen to tidy up - and as she's told me that a dirty kitchen causes her terrible stress, I felt compelled to help her clean. While we worked, I was talking about how noise and crowds and cluttered countertops are really stressful for me and she said, "Well, then maybe you shouldn't live in the city long term." I felt this bolt of pain and frustration shoot through me and flailed my arms in the air and started, "I don't want to live in the city!! But I can't find a job..." Then I started to cry. She gave me a hug and told me to email everyone about the countertops and ways they could help make my life less stressful. Then I ate some leftover pasta and a bite of carrot cake.
After this, I wrote an email to my roommates about what I've been learning about asperger's syndrome and asked if they could help me keep the kitchen countertops clear. By then it was 11pm and I collapsed in bed, my shoulder aching as it had a week before when I was sick.
I was really slow in getting started today and am still feeling very fragile. It's as if I'm leering over the edge of my health and if I work too fast or too hard, I'm going to fall off. My soul feels strained, tense, and heavy and my head is tired. So, I've tried taking things slow today - one little thing at a time. It makes me feel very lazy, but it's better than winding up in bed unable to do any work at all.
Thankfully, once I get through tonight, I should have a couple quiet evenings ahead this week to recuperate - Lord-willing.
1. I do not handle time constraints well. Too much stress on top of the usual buzzing stress-level.
2. I need to eat well, even if it means neglecting some work.
3. I need God's help!