"Oh, send out Your light and Your truth!
Let them lead me;
Let them bring me to Your holy hill
And to Your tabernacle.
Then I will go to the altar of God,
To God my exceeding joy;
And on the harp I will praise You,
O God, my God." Psalm 43:3-4
December 7, 2002
If I had not been present, the night would have gone on perfectly fine, and maybe even better. I contribute nothing to any situation - or so it seems. Maybe I do, but I don't feel like I do. I just sit there. I agree with whatever and lose interest...If I try to fit in, I am lost and no one ever hears from me cause I have nothing significant to contribute to their conversations..I do not know much about normal things..I don't know what to say. Some call it shy. I call it being lost in the crowd. If I get fed up with trying to be harmonious, I get all angry and sit there trying not to pay attention. It doesn't really make any difference. Nothing I do makes any difference. I don't feel I can ever do anything to make others happy, mad, or anything. I am only a clammed up person with no life. I don't know how to act. Acting is a waste of energy.
Or let me put it this way: One of the best things in the world is sometimes just a simple conversation about something fun with a friend (whether it be Elvish or something else). I feel so ecstatic to spend quality time with friends - online and off. Not everytime is like that, but there are those special sometimes when everything feels right and good. I truly live for times like those. It is one of those good moments: like a getting mail from Japan, playing a new and awesome video game, or just a quiet moment in a little Amish-like cemetary. But, I don't feel I ever make people feel happy like that. I want to. It would mean so much if I could know when I have made others TRULY happy, but I don't think I ever do.
Thanks to all who have made my days soooo much brighter. When all I can do is worry and fear and sit quietly alone inside, you have shown me happiness by SIMPLY BEING KIND and interesting. But with my family, I don't have to try to earn their love. With friends and other people, the bonds don't seem as real or as obvious. I am really very very grateful to everyone who has made life a little lighter because I suffer inside. And I suffer for no reason except that I greatly desire someone to understand me and so few do...I am very lonely. I am still trying to become the person I want to be, but I am having trouble because I do not yet know who I want to become.
December 19, 2002
Before I fell asleep, I was tossing and turning for at least an hour or two...And I was thinking. I felt as though my guilt of "spoiling" the third movie for Dave was ruining my night. Well, it did sorta. And I pictured myself behind that glass wall, separated from stories in books/movies, where I want to help but can't..where I want to say - I understand - but can't, where I want to give a sympatheticly caring look and know the character saw me. I did this with a lot of my obsessions because I feel separated from them. The same way I feel in real life. Like I am powerless, restrained behind glass. No one is affected by me and more importantly no one sees my sincerety and thoughtfulness. It pains me. So there is Ceile or Iona or that little child inside me peirced with a sword, banging on the glass and crying cause I can't do anything about anything...
I thought, what if that Ceile were to take out the sword and cut away the barriers. What would Megan be like without her self-assembled glass walls?? It scares me. What would I be like if I were free? What is it that binds me?
I wouldn't know how to interact with people if I crushed those walls, though. I wouldn't have the confidence..People have the potential to be so kind and so painful.
I must feel safe behind those walls...But that is a place where one is insensitive to the joys and heartaches of life - I feel both yes, but it must be from some twisted perspective, like old mutatedly warped glass. I have my obsession and I am content. I keep to myself, but in any case I am always alone because of self-imposed barriers to protect me from harm. I seem to have a system down, but will it drive me insane or simply rob away my life.
Why look for real love when I can have it and keep it all to myself in purity, untouched through obsession?