Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,
Megan
jehoshabeath

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Faceted Observations 1

Old livejournal entries that shine some light on a variety of characteristics that may (or may not) be related to Aspergers. I just thought these were interesting and wanted to assemble them together in one place.

Social issues

11/24/2002 - When we got there all I could think of was how uncomfortable I was socially. This is why I don't go out.

11/25/2002 - College is the first time I have ever had so many friends. Many of them are here, but I spend the most time chatting with them on AIM.

11/29/2006 - Heather: Megan, remember to dress up.
Megan: As what?
Group: *laughs*
Megan: O.o?
Heather: No, I mean, dress up nicely.
Megan: Oh. Right. Ok, no problem. (^_^;; *sweatdrop*)

10/25/2008 - Different kinds of people have different kinds of priorities. The trick is eliciting these from what they say, how they act, and the manner in which they respond. You can only interact with them appropriately if you know what they are after or what drives them. Yet, to discover this takes time, and in the meantime, what can you do?



Accuracy

11/30/2012 - When handling information, I feel that I must rightly understand the entire data set in order to put every piece in its proper place.

7/7/2010 - Accuracy, precision, completeness, and clarity are qualities that I value in my work.

7/22/2010 - Analytical investigating, systematic testing, clear explanations, and the qualities of accuracy, precision, and caution are required.

9/15/2010 - Upon my return from coffee, I find that the new updates have been pushed to production and so I take a seat to test them. Ok, ok, ok, yes, fine, works, good...wait a second...WHAT?! But it worked in test...noo! Create new email message, high alert level. A few scary minutes go by...maybe as many as 30 minutes, or maybe it was as few as 10. Anyhow, shortly thereafter, the code is back and ready for a second round of checking. It was fine.



Loyalty

6/7/2004 - When ppl say they are gonna bid on Titanic items at an auction I GET RAGEFUL. grrrrrrrr!!! LEAVE THE WREAK ALONE-IT IS A TOMB!!!! >_<*** It is NOT a toy to be auctioned to people who will show it off as a trophy!! *steams*

7/8/2008 - One morning, there were two people standing there, straight and still. They were stoic in their poise and attitude. I respected that. This morning, there were two people standing there, but shifting about...and listening to music?! Come now, if you want to protest, sacrifice your entire mind and soul to it.

6/1/2010 - Stammering, I said, "Well, that's just...just..." My boss replied, "Professional" as I blurted in the same instance, "Dishonest!"



Emotional immaturity / Intellectual ability

2/10/2004 - I am only good as a student. That is all I can do in this life. learn.

3/23/2004 - THE REASON I AM GOING TO COLLEGE IS TO LEARN! LEARNING IS ALL THAT I FIND IMPORTANT!

12/1/2003 - If only I could spin my life around the pursuit of wisdom alone..the pursuit of beauty. Thats the only thing I know how to do or wish to do or can do.



Peculiar voice

1/17/2007 - He turned and said, "I can't believe that tiny voice came from you!" My reply: "Hmm, whoops!"



Focus

5/5/2007 - With only one brain, I, like a computer with a single CPU, can only focus on one thing at a time.

7/7/2010 - I throw myself completely into whatever it is that I am doing.

2/5/2013 - I still see myself in screenshot, rather than in motion.



Drawn to things rather than people

12/1/2003 - My head is in the clouds and what skills do I have for life? How do I descend the Platonic ladder without crashing to my doom like the son of Andromache? ... I love objects as my own self.

1/5/2004 - I know that the reason I never sought [a boyfriend] was because I was too busy with the Silmarillion, Dune, and writing my book. I was climbing the Platonic Ladder upside down!

3/1/2004 - When I was in middle school I sought the beauty of ideals (which is according to Plato, the middle of the ladder). So, to find beauty, I read books, wrote stories, daydreamed. I was pretty naive.



Odd topics of interest

7/7/2010 - Purchasing a kepi Signal Corps insignia led me to operating an amateur radio station in my apartment.



Structure and order

5/10/2007 - I think I have been given the heart to shape the image of the mind. Information arrangement, art arrangement, word arrangement, idea arrangement - all like flower arrangement. An art of shifting, of reordering, of touching and beautifying.

12/3/2007 - I am having trouble finding a simple, hierarchical structure of minerals that lays out the knowledge of the Mineralogy domain in one space.

5/19/2010 - a work map

7/7/2010 - When I was little, I used to line up all my Littlest Petshops and My Little Ponies on the piano. I feel better when my house is clean and organized.



Solitude and stillness

12/19/2002 - Right now I am as content as is possible. I have my music, all this space and quiet in the dorm. It is nice.

12/1/2003 - There are times when life truly feels wonderful. When you step outside into the cold air..feel the wind freezing your feet..you breath in the very night itself..and you know that you are alive and you just praise God for it.

4/5/2007 - There's something about 'steadiness' that intrigues me. When you sing a slow and simple hymn and hold each note for a breath, not rushing to the next - there's gentle power behind it. When you paint a canvas with bold areas of color, be it straight bars in only two shades - something about the essence and presence of that color lingers on the edge of your mind. A single dull cloud in a dark sky seems to hold some secret to the mystery of the skies.

9/24/2007 - Today the sky was so high! Blue and yet clear, like some polished crystal.



Transitions

2/10/2004 - At times I skipped a meal to sit here and play with pictures.

5/3/2010 - The night calls me to turn off the laptop, unplug the wireless, and turn in to sleep. Yet, my mind lingers, my heart stubbornly refuses to set the body into motion. I'm seated, content. Just like in the morning, I've settled into the setting over the course of the evening, and I just got cozy!



Sensory sensitivity

11/25/2002 - All eveing I have sat here bored with a tummy ache.

7/23/2009 - Rumble, a distant voice / Stirs the air of the room / Ah! the sound of rain

5/3/2010 - The tea in my mug is lukewarm. Music throbs quietly from the tin-toned speakers of my computer. Hockey games were lost, papers were read, prayers were said, and now the carpet rubs rough under my heels.

3/13/2012 - In the meantime, after 10 pm last night I took a seat at my desk and fired up the radio. The orange glow of the panel and the bleating of cw in my headphones made me feel more at home than I have felt in a while. What adventures we've had, the radio and I!



Decision making

11/22/2002 - I actually feel pretty relieved to have made a decision at all! I have a lot of problems making decisions even when it comes down to which ice cream flavor I want.

3/29/2007 - If someone tells me to go do something, I do it happily and enthusiastically. I can't make decisions quickly on my own, but once I have direction, I work work work till the end!

10/25/2007 - The only real trouble with this job is that it does not help me to decide where I want to live. Since I can work from anywhere, I remain as indecisive as ever!

11/22/2007 - And the reason I feel so insincere is that everyone is asking me for a choice. But I refuse to decide unless God guides me.

3/2/2012 - I still feel as though my knowledge of the human body isn't enough to have the confidence to make strong decisions in preserving it - or even mundane decisions. So, this week, I started to gather information.



Glass walls

12/5/2002 - I wish I had the guts to fight for myself. I can do it for Titanic-related ideals but not even for myself. ... It hurts when you wanna scream at someone something but you know you can't, and even if you could, they would not hear. PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND. People will never understand. I do not understand.

2/7/2004 - I used to often feel like I within something and yet not a part of it - as if I were seeing it but unheard behind glass. It was depressing and submissive and above all: frusterating. ... I get labelled weak or lame. ...I feel isolated and unreal. ...That's why I have such issues coping with things which must be done in this real world: working, choosing a career path, dating - it all is beyond the culture and realm I live in and I just cannot reach past the glass.

2/10/2004 - Sometimes I picture [Akitsugu] there beside me, just looking on as I pace inside my glass walls. ... What are my glass walls made of and when and why did I build them?

2/21/2011 - I can't explain why, but I felt that serious and intellectual things were "spiritual" while mundane, real life things were "fleshy". I didn't see how to two could be reconciled, so I fled into the realm of what I defined as "pure". I built walls for myself. Out of fear, I locked myself in from the outside world. I looked at it through the glass of imagination. Out of a need for self-justification, I looked out at it through the glass of condemnation. I had problems when people began to ask about my future. What would I do? Where did I want to live? Who did I want to marry? To me, these were worldly questions and totally irrelevant. But, as time went on, I realized that I couldn't hide anymore.

9/21/2012 - When I was young, I remember taking a small white flower and putting it inside a tiny glass bottle. I corked it and hid it on my bookshelf. In my mind, I wanted to preserve it - to keep it in a vacuum where it would be safe and last forever. Time went by and I must have forgotten all about it. Later, I discovered it - but to my horror, it had rotted inside the bottle. I was deeply disturbed and couldn't bear to look at it. It was much more than the mold that offended me. I saw that glass bottle as a picture of the walls I built up around myself.
Tags: anxiety, aspergers, detail, fear, friends, glass wall, harmonize, interests, joy, nature, observer, path, questions, sensitivity, social, solitude, steady
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