The only time that I've ever studied this was in Croatia. We had a class that studied term logic, boolean operators, and other topics. Even though the class was taught in Croatian I found it easy to understand and even helped my classmates. In all of my other classes, I had absolutely no idea what was being said or done! Somehow, though, this class made sense to me and I've always wished that I had the opportunity to study the subject further.
Recent rambling in my journal on the subject:
I rarely operate on instinct. My instinct is to observe, to keep at a safe distance, to avoid interfering, to wait and to respond, to follow, to tune myself to match the frequency of others. Do I ever respond on instinct? I did when I slammed my fist on the table in class, jumped up and down one day at work when I was really upset, cheer "yay" when my roommates tell me exciting things, or when I'm on the track of an interest. The rest of the time, my response is carefully calculated - with slight hesitation, great uncertainty, lack of confidence. If someone is able to skip this calculation phase, how can they be the one to tell me to "be confident"? What I need is not confidence, but more time, more information. If I am constantly operating in a world where people bypass machine-code level translations, how can I possibly keep up? How can I judge myself against another if we are different? We do not function in the same manner. But I also cannot speed up my analysis/output process. If the hesitation period comes across as a lack of confidence, that's like saying an app is broken before it's had a chance to install. Of course it's not operational yet! Do I need to mask the hesitation with pretend confidence? That seems like just one more process to add to the queue! What can I do? Should I let people know that I am processing? I'm only a beat behind them, so to take the time to explain seems like a useless distraction and an "over-reaction," to use their words.
I really don't know what I can do differently. Although, I do know that I need to establish the rules of truth and logic - the priorities, reality, context, entities, relationships, etc. Only then will the calculation perform accurately. Psalm 132:3-5
I wish they'd taught us logic in school in addition to math and literature. I think it would have been helpful.
Often, people's words confuse me. They speak in sarcasm or talk about random things when they really have something important on their mind that they want to discuss. I'm lost.
Is it because I expect there to be a clear yes/no answer? Because I expect the pieces to add up to a complete whole? My instinct in talking to people is to shadow - to agree and to harmonize and to match their pitch. Is it because I have no song of my own to sing? Or is it because I sing with tools, with instruments - with facts and information, with calculations and functional mechanisms that convey knowledge and image displays that communicate information? I'm a human copy-machine and an arranger and a teacher. If there is no information to process and communicate, then that part of me shuts off and I slip into harmonize mode. I often don't have opinions on complex matters because I can't understand them and don't want to fill in the gaps with assumptions. I do have specific tastes, but why bring them up in conversation if the other person does not share them? Unless the person truly wants to know me. To know me is to know the database in my heart and mind. To see the colors, scenes, moments that capture my awe and to follow on the great pursuit of knowledge. To share the hunger of the chase. To walk through the journey of assembling that picture, that story, and to sit there together and soak it in. Observe. Shared observation.
Yet others can be unkind. They don't understand. They criticize me, ignore me, complain that I'm too responsible, too careful, too weak, too boring, that I'm trying to change myself. But...? I'm left confused again. They don't realize that in order to know me, they have to take time. They have to accompany me on my information journeys. They have to chase down the information, set each piece in its place, admire the picture it makes, and feel the zeal of sharing that, of teaching old facts and newly realized facts. Come with me and you'll see. But they don't have the time. They don't give me a chance. They judge me as weak and dull as I process and never wait to see the final artistic arrangement. Surely the computer looks dull as it sorts the spreadsheet. But what a fascinating display you will see if you only gave it a chance.
Love one another.
I truly want to know how to love others. Part of the reason I moved into this house was to learn how to love my sisters in Christ better. I know that God loves them, but what does it look like for me to love them? I am trying to take time to know them, to listen, to care, to show that care in my speech and action, to write cards, to give gifts, to share Scripture, to serve, to pray, to do things with them. I'm still learning.
How can they love me? I think just by being kind. A sincere smile and a gentle word are sweeter than all the lattes and milkshakes in the world! A kind attitude tells me that I am safe - safe to just be.