Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,
Megan
jehoshabeath

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Multiple

The following post comes from a document that I wrote a few months ago at work. I was feeling overwhelmed without anything to do; and it was so stressful that I decided to try writing my thoughts down in order to get a handle on them. I guess it helped at the time, but it makes me feel anxious to read because I still feel this way at times. When my counselor asked me to use a word-picture to describe stressful situations, the only word I could think of was "multiple."

10:00 am. Multiple. It's like being whacked on various sides by the outstanding tasks waiting to be completed. They offend me at this point because I've tried to resolve them, but for various reasons, I am waiting on outside resolutions, corrections, or work flows. In the meantime, they bump into me on all sides as they wait to be completed. Leave me alone!!

I look around, hoping for a reprieve, but I'm bombarded again – this time by personal errands, a sore throat, and a dazzling multitude of thoughts, emotions, and stunted responses. I need to call Comcast. I like the new card on my cubical wall. I don't feel well. My desk is rather cluttered. What am I supposed to do tonight? How much vacation do I have now? Oh, right, even if I wanted to take a quick trip home I can't because I have ABC to do in the upcoming weekends. And when am I cooking? Thank the Lord I don't have to cook this week. It's Wednesday already? Well, that's a blessing. What am I doing this weekend? Yikes, was that the doorbell? Ok, direct folks to the appropriate offices. Back to the desk. It's only 10:07.

Maybe I will go to Firehook for lunch. But do I have time? I already bought tea and a scone from here for breakfast. I really need to start bringing my lunch, but uhhhh. Golden desktop. Swinging bumblebee. How long have my glasses been on the desk? I feel tired. I'm looking forward to lunch-time Bible study. When can I go home? What will I do tonight? I really need to do chores. There’s so much dust and laundry to take care of. *rubs eye* What was it that I was interested in this week? This quiet music isn't making me feel any more calm. I really wish I had a rocking chair. I'm so glad I found one at the nearby café! I wonder what time I can go in order to find it available? *sigh* I miss playing Quasar on Stepmania. Somehow I was able to switch from the processing mind to a subconscious stream of clicks in time with the music. It was like a mental blur of content joy with no conscious thought.

*hears coworkers banging on the copier* It must be malfunctioning again. I think it's done that once a week since I moved here. How can I slow this stream of mental thoughts? Gah! What can I do to relax? I forget the things I like...let me think here...

Is it true that I'm good at small talk? My roommates tell me so, but why does it feel so hard? Why do I always try so hard at every single thing? No wonder tea ceremony and predictable repetition are so enjoyable. I get caught up in the moment and am fully participating without analyzing and deciding.

My throat hurts. Ugggg. What should I do? *drops head* I just want to run away! But I've made my cubical quite comfortable and it's already 10:15...?

How do I feel? Well, I feel mentally claustrophobic. I feel...heavy, weighted down. I feel... ...stuck? Blah. Hm, ok? Overloaded? Frustrated? Tired? Fine? Thirsty? Confused? 10:19.

I feel like there's too much. I feel like there's not enough. I feel like my brain/space/life is cluttered, but that I don't have anything that brings me joy within reach. I want to go home. I can't sort it all out, make sense of it all.
Tags: anxiety, aspergers, internal dialogue, work
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