Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,
Megan
jehoshabeath

For River: Maturity

River: Responsibilities...

"The dichotomy of being emotionally immature yet intellectually sound...is something that is difficult for others...to get their heads around." Aspergirls by Rudy Simone, page 143.

"Innocence versus maturity - I want both - one of soul and the latter of mind...unfortunately, one cannot really have both forever in the sort of world I must conform to." 2/10/2004

In middle school, I began to draw less and study more. I felt like I was a good student because I completed my homework carefully and scored well on my tests. I felt smart. But I was also afraid. I didn't like the idea of going to high school. I didn't want to drive or get a job or leave school. I wanted to remain, as I wrote above, "innocent." In other words, I wanted to remain a child. I wasn't maturing emotionally or socially like my peers. I didn't see those things as relevant to me and tried to ignore them. I got away with that in middle school; but in high school, I felt the pressure of having to become a responsible adult. But I didn't want to do that. I didn't know how to do that! I just wanted to be free to study and explore. I didn't want the responsibility of working and managing my life. I didn't want to have to make decisions about school or jobs or apartments. Making decisions was too exhausting and I didn't have any realistic goals. I just wanted to keep reading. I denied it and denied it, but found that there wasn't a choice. In order to survive, I needed to grow up.

My parents supported me and encouraged me all along the way. I got my driver's license, applied to college, and got my first job at the local radiology unit. I actually enjoyed organizing the x-ray films and hanging them for the doctors. I also enjoyed college and met friends who shared my interests. I gradually learned how to do my laundry, manage my finances, cook simple meals, schedule my week, and get from place to place on my own. By the time I finished graduate school, I found myself working two part-time jobs simultaneously along with full-time classes. I was burned out, but I was still standing! Praise the Lord :) Since then, I've been learning more about how to care for others. I've been blessed with many friends here in DC and have been challenged to collaborate with peers at work and watch over children at church. Those are things that I never thought I could do! And believe me, there has been panic about such things; but somehow I am still standing! It's only by God's grace.

I still feel out-of-place as an adult, but God is walking with me step by step. He is my Helper and He will enable me to walk on my high hills - responsibilities and all.

(Thirteenth post reflecting on the video game "To The Moon")
Tags: aspergers, childlike, emotions, responsibility, social, tothemoon, video games
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