Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,

  • Music:


I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a balance platform.

I feel like I'm racing around on the balance platform.

It's circular and there's just one pillar at the center beneath. I'm on top of the disc, moving about to adjust the weight and steady its level. Circumstances keep tilting it and others keep bending it so that it's nearly sent falling. It keeps me moving. It keeps me constantly busy. It's tiring and it's unsettling watching it rock and sway and trying to adjust my own weight to make it level. I can't let it crash.

I must neutralize it.

I must harmonize it.

I must level it out.

It's not like I'm "trying" - it's just what I do. It's an automatic response to a chaotic state. I must attain peace somehow. A motion, a sound, a placement can throw off the balance inside me and make me feel unsettled. So my instinct kicks in and reacts. (Is it a survival instinct?) It actively responds by adjusting and countering. This seems to be my natural state. I can't help but try so hard - because it's so hard for me when I feel as if homeostasis has been disrupted.

Others have commented on how easy it is to get along with me and how they can't imagine me getting into an argument with someone. But I'm not acting this way to make others happy - it's just the way that I am. This doesn't feel like actively loving others. It feels more like a necessary response. I don't feel like I have a choice.

Every once in a while, something could make me pause, something could free me from the grip of that endless reactive-response. That would stop me from racing on the balance platform. It didn't happen often.

Daydreams could take me away. I was often left staring as the power lines passed by outside; but I didn't see them. I was fully absorbed in the scenes of my daydreams.

Trance music also made me feel at rest. The steady beat and ebbing melodies send me flying.

Another thing was watching pitchers at work. They take the same motions over and over. Each frame, each angle. Over and over. It's the beauty of drawing, of ballet, of sunsets, of moon rises, of storm clouds. I am still and they are growing, forming, rising, passing, fading.

Is it possible to dwell with others and not instinctively respond by trying to restore balance? Is it possible to expend more energy on loving them than on protecting my inner balance? How do I understand these things? And how do I regain strength after being so drained by these past few years?

Tags: me, questions

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