Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,

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Processing Monday

Work today felt like mental gymnastics. Whew, there were so many questions and explanations and debugging and documentation and training. It felt good to be productive, but also tiring.

We got another four inches of snow last night. We must have over a foot outside now.

I'm ready to write thank you notes, but my head hurts too much to do that just yet. So instead, I posted at the Finch Forum to ask about folks' first experiences with pet finches. Now it's time for some music and mental rest.

I played some Pokemon Sapphire yesterday. I caught a Voltorb and fought some pirates :P Bring it on, Pirate Man! I loved the design of the nautical museum in Slateport City. I will have to visit there again soon.

I found some new greeting cards to order. My supply has been dwindling. I also ran out of stamps...

I finished my leftover clams today :) yum!

The sun is low and golden in the corner of my eye. The snow is still white and blue shaded, though.

You find your way back down / and I'll keep the area clear.

I saw an extremely brief commercial during the Super Bowl last night that showed Jewish people and their tzitzit. Ah, it made me so homesick. I guess homesick isn't the right word. It made me art-sick, missing the beauty of the Jewish people. I dug out my prayerbook, because I had been intending to remember the monthly holiday of Rosh Chodesh (the new moon). I found that section and marked it.

It made me feel artistic again and yet so heart-broken. I miss the Messianic congregation. I miss minchah and Torah study and Shabbat and Jewish art and blessings. I remember how I felt as I went crashing down - unable to attend the weekly services and join the church in Virginia. It felt as if my world collapsed into shadow and tears. When I was in the midst of that culture, I felt like I had found a missing part of my heart - the part that loves God's word and color and world and history. And when I realized that it wouldn't be practical for me to settle there and join that community, I felt like the Psalmist:

"My soul longs, yes, even faints
For the courts of the Lord;
My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.
Even the sparrow has found a home,
And the swallow a nest for herself,
Where she may lay her young -
Even Your altars, O Lord of hosts,
My King and my God." Psalm 84:2-3

Even the sparrow has found a home...but what about me? The place I really want to be I can't be. I found the shadow of heaven but I can't be there. The swallow has made a nest in the courts of the LORD, but I am left in a foreign city. :( I cried and cried over that Psalm. And it made me want to cry remembering it.

So, I left the prayerbook in my room. And I intended to get out my Chumash, but I haven't yet. Instead I'm charging my laptop and trying to allow myself the time to avoid a headache from working. I feel so overwhelmed and hallow. But it'll pass. I know that my God is preparing a place for me; and in the meantime, my parents have done that for me! The Lord has blessed me with a loving family and a loving boyfriend and time to rest and so many blessings. He's taken me to beautiful places this past year and showed me many amazing things - like pelicans! There's still a lot of art and beauty in the world around me.

I forgot
that I might see
so many
beautiful things
Tags: animals, art, depression, internal dialogue, psalms

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