Along with these questions, I have the following thoughts running around inside my head:
"I'm not sure what to read from the Bible today. But I know it's important - these words are my life (Dt 32:46-47, John 6:63) - and I know I can always learn more, even when I don't feel like that's the case."
"I have such a hard time with decisions, with being a figure of authority, with directing others, with judgment - I feel like I could never grow in these areas. But as an adult I need to, even if it feels impossible and uncharacteristic for me. I need God's word, because apart from Him I can do nothing (John 15:5). I just feel like I'm a hopeless case when it comes to that. But if I am to one day reign with Him and even judge (1 Cor 6:3, Luke 19:17-19?), I need to not give up trying to learn and grow in understanding right and wrong. And pray for wisdom, like Solomon did. What was it that Jesus said to the church of Laodicea: 'To him who overcomes I will grant to sit with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne.' Revelation 3:21 I wouldn't be there alone - He is the one on the throne and I'd be sitting there with Him. *exhale* It's still a really intimidating concept for me. No wonder I don't want to be a manager or a parent. But I need to face these fears and fight and learn. Still, maybe I could just be a cupbearer or an archivist in His kingdom, instead of a leader? If nothing else, I still need to be able to see right and wrong clearly so I can rule over myself (Prov 25:28, Gal 5:22-23). God, help me to learn from Your living word."