Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,
Megan
jehoshabeath

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Change

Change can be good or bad depending.

In many ways this spring weather has been changing a lot - the sakura were beautfil and the cold weather seemed to have killed off the big yellowe spiders which had previously made their way into my room^^ Those are good changes!

But with spring comes time to look at what choices and plans..and thats just teh ev1l and a painful thing. I feel for everyone who's been struggling with everything lately..I've been there...

...And now..Even other random factors in life seem to make their way into my head and it can be confusing... I feel like I am in the midst of a great "changing" which has been working on me for the past year or so but I am at no conclusion: I am just more confused than where I started. I am happier than I was when I started, but no more nearer to a resolution..
And the worst part is that it is not even a real battle - it is just me fighting against myself. Usually I don't notice and I can keep pretty genki, but randomly I get all silly-angsty and mad cause I am still undecided on so many things.

It also adds to the problem since I have problems even formulating opinions on anything. Ya know, I would be perfectly satified to live a life with as few opinions as possible about big issues. Opinion as in a strong belief in one side of an issue, not as in a strong feeling, cause I have those (I love manga!! and sushi!) but I can't make decisions/judgements and stick to them. I feel like I am both incapable and unworthy at the same time. Probably due to my strict upbringing where my own opinions were not always stressed, seeing as my father was a pastor and what his opinions are would seem to be the right ones by default^^ Teehee ..But even to this day I often refuse utterly to make strong opinions..which is even bad for Christians! O.o blah! So my poor decision making/opinion making skills also hinder me in other aspects of life.
But at least I am a good conformist^_^ I can adapt to a lot! Yeah, thats one thing I am good at. I am very submissive and adapable! lol! That's why I am a terrible American and hate competition.

So, back to my original point,...when I sit and think about facts of life I feel like I am slowly trudging through muddy water...sluggishly and lost. In a way I want to find my way and be free, but at the same time I want to hide from it all and stay the child I once was. Neither seems good to me right now though cause both seem good!
lol

Did I mention I hate making decisions? ^^
Tags: fear
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