Megan (jehoshabeath) wrote,

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I just feel in a writing mood. So I continue-

I wonder what life would be like without interests, hobbies, and continual periods of obsession? I cannot see myself without a topic - I am inseperable from them because they color my life and make me what I am, even though the heart of me never changes. While watching The Gangs of New York, I thought to myself - this is hard and dirty. I could never live like that. I could not live in the real world. I feed like Shelob off the glorious and pure until I move onto something else. Man, that sounds so horrible! I am not a terrible person..I am just a lonely, beauty-loving, sensative person. I would rather get lost in a book than a party, and love a character rather than a person. That is just me. Try to change it, but it is hopeless - like Gollum and the ring ^^.
I do love it when the outside world comes just close enough to touch, and it encourages me that I am remembered by someone. I do greatly appriciate that much, as I have said before. I still avoid thinking about all aspects of my life involving getting absorbed in the world: plays, school, driving, etc. It is a great burden on me, I feel it as a dark cloud, depressing my thoughts and poisoning my mood. Maybe I am lost, but I am kind, and thoughtful of life, and will flow along with the current and aid those around me by listening or making art for them..I can love, but I love things. I can care, but the deepest kind died within me a few years ago, and that sickly wreakless care is painful. You just have to look deep into me to find all that, or just notice the subtlety of my exterior character to find that dedication and love for the world. It is there, but I spend it out on obsessions to keep me from dying of boredom. Boredom is the heaviest burden of all sometimes....
Tags: aspergers, glass wall, interests, love, squish

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