9/18/2017 - "the idea of passing through the world and encountering these things, bumping into them like geometric shapes on a mathematical plane - that's how life can feel to me oftentimes. Even if the people and things are not physically touching me, I still feel jostled, pushed, and squashed by them in a very real way. In that way, my anxiety isn't just a made up feeling - it's a tangible experience from the sessuru of actual things in my life. Not so much from fearing possibilities, but from the actual encounters that they have with me, when their borders brush up against mine. I'm glad to have a word that expresses that experience, even if it is a word in another language."
2/10/2016 - "just trying to keep the world from smashing, crashing in
That's what it feels like. It's like the world is a constant pressure, often overwhelming with unpleasantness (noise, random ugly things, stress, pain, etc). I just want to bury my head in the sand and make it all go away. So I do a 180 and paint other pictures. Amass other things. Craft my own beautiful little space, even if it's only in my mind.
3/23/2015 - "Of all the Star Trek characters I've met so far, the one to whom I feel that I can relate most is Miranda Jones. She was born a telepath and is buffeted by the thoughts and emotions of others. She is also jealous and jealousy loyal.
I'm by no means a telepath, but when I'm in the presence of others, I can feel like I'm being surrounded by their emotions. It's as if they all leap upon me and wash through me and crush against me. Whoever I am is so dim that it's hardly even audible anymore. Sometimes I feel like my mind is trying to run away, trying to relocate itself; but it has nowhere to go to escape the onslaught, so it starts to spin in a panic within itself. Usually, it just gives up and endures the foreign atmosphere until it has the space to seek itself again. On the outside, I wonder what's wrong. Nothing is happening to me. Maybe no one is even speaking to me or engaging my presence. But the space is not my own and I've been overrun by the presences of others. It happens so naturally that I can hardly recognize it."