These past twelve years have been such a struggle - trying to set out into the world of work, feeling aimless and forlorn. Trying to work multiple jobs, moving multiple times, joining different churches, losing my boss, trying to pursue all sorts of research areas, and through it all, feeling outside and alone. Something wasn't aligned. I struggled to pray. I struggled to find hope. I struggled in search of Him.
Seven years ago...
January 28, 2013 - "wait with me"
"My soul longs, yes, even faints for the courts of the Lord" Psalm 84:2a
On the slippery walk to work today, I felt very homesick. Throughout the morning hours as I woke up and drifted back to sleep, I replayed the scene in my head. How I miss him! I have a funny tendency to miss characters from books even though they've never been with me. I started that in 5th grade. I was reflecting on how lovely a scene when I thought, "Lord, it's You that I miss!" I hesitate to think much about His return; and even in this moment my mind rolled off the tangent of the concept like a repelled magnet. Maybe it's because it's such an important thing and I'm afraid that I'll pollute the moment with sloppy thinking. Maybe it's because it's too intimidating. Maybe it's because it's too close to my heart and hurts too much to consider. But how I long for the courts of the Lord... How I've cried through that Psalm 84!
I reached the traffic light at the corner and watched the rain draw patterns in the puddle. It's so hard waiting. I know so many who wait. They wait for family or for packages in the mail or for future plans or for the new creation. Christians live as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing (2 Corinthians 6:10) in a posture of patient waiting. "Receiving the end of your faith..." (1 Peter 1:9) "Though now you do not see Him..." (1 Peter 1:8) "That the genuineness of your faith...may be found to praise, honor, and glory..." (1 Peter 1:7). When will I see Christ? When will I be home in the courts of the Lord? "Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young - even Your altars, O Lord of hosts, My King and my God." Psalm 84:3
"How can I wait for you, Father?"
"I am with you, child."
I looked back at the puddles and saw His fingerprints in the dancing circles. They were beautiful. The traffic light turned and I started across the street with my umbrella. Even though I still have to wait, I don't have to wait alone. I will wait for you and with you, Father.
The past few years, my parents have been so kind to let me live and work here at home. They and my dear friends have supported me as I've tried to recover, to recuperate. And the Lord began to restore my strength. In my rest, I continued to seek that call of God. What was it? Where was His joy?
And He began to reveal His world to me - oils, plants, animals, rocks, stars. I studied them all. I studied and studied - in search of Him!
is it fate?
if it's not easy, it must not be
at that age
i cherished the flowers
beneath my feet
but then something must have changed in me
i used to feel so light
now i'll try
i just want time
i will be much better then...
LOOK AT THE SKY!
(Psalm 8, Psalm 19, Romans 1:19-20)
I'M STILL HERE!
i'll be alive next year
i can make something good
(Genesis 1, Romans 8:28)
oh, something good!
(2 Corinthians 5:17)
look at the sky
i'm still here
i'll be alive
i can make something good
oh, something good
i will be much better then
your faith in me
LOOK AT THE SKY!
Indeed, He has set His promise in the sky!
January 28, 2009 - Birthday Evening Rainbow
And finally, last year, the Lord brought me back to the beginning. Back to Himself. I realized...I had found such joy in singing praise to God from the ancient Jewish prayerbook, in union with those who still offer these prayers today. As a Christian, is there no tradition of prayer? Is there no fellowship of the saints? And the Lord put a desire in my heart - a desire to learn how to pray.
What grace the Lord has shown my soul this past year!
"Truly, O people in Zion, inhabitants of Jerusalem, you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when he hears it, he will answer you. Though the Lord may give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself any more, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left, your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:19-21
This birthday, the Lord is leading me to a new little home. I pray that He will make it a house of prayer, a peaceful place for learning, working, resting, and growing. And most of all, a place where He will be honored and adored. Thank You, Father, for the blessing of this little apartment and most of all, for Your presence with us, Your people. :)
'When the Lord restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dream.
Then our mouth was filled with laughter,
and our tongue with shouts of joy;
then it was said among the nations,
"The Lord has done great things for them."
The Lord has done great things for us,
and we rejoiced.
Restore our fortunes, O Lord,
like the watercourses in the Negeb.
May those who sow in tears
reap with shouts of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
carrying their sheaves."'